Dealing with family tension at the holidays
How to get along with friends and family members who don’t share your beliefs
For some families, holiday gatherings can feel fraught with tension. Politics, religion, race, sexual orientation or identity, personal life choices such as careers, marriage, or child-rearing… People have strong feelings about all of these. Within a family, this can lead to harsh arguments, angry resentment, and hurt feelings. The stakes feel very high because the threats are existential, but most of the time the person we’re talking to is not in charge of making the big decisions.
Avoiding difficult conversation topics with friends and family members who have different views is one option. If you think there’s a high likelihood of the conversation turning ugly, that may be your best choice.
Focus on what brings you together. This could be your shared interests, experiences, people that you care about, or just the food you’re sharing.
Plan an activity. If there’s a game or activity that can bring people together, that could increase the fun and lower the tension.
Diffuse the difficult topics. If a friend or family member brings up a difficult topic, and you don’t want to go there, just give a noncommittal “Hmmm” or comment, “You feel very strongly about that.” Then change the subject.
On the other hand, being able to talk to someone with a different perspective could be an opportunity. Most of us hang out with people who think like us and get our news from sources that align with our opinions, so talking to someone outside our usual bubble can be eye-opening. If people who like or love each other can’t discuss their differences, what hope is there for our country or world? Being able to talk about differences in a respectful way sets a good example for our kids.
So you may want to try to have those difficult conversations. Here are some ideas that could help to lower the tension.
Keep it friendly. Skip the insults or sarcasm. Watch your body language. Keep your posture open and relaxed: lean back, elbows away from your body, one or both palms up. Definitely no pointing!
One-on-one conversation is easier than a group debate because it’s more intimate, and there’s no audience to try to convince or impress.
Be curious. Ask questions to try to understand how and why the other person came to those beliefs. Don’t just dismiss them as stupid or evil. This family member or friend is probably not the only person to hold this view. It’s useful to try to understand why they do.
Acknowledge when you can. You might say, “That’s a good point” or “I agree that’s an important issue.” If you treat the other person with respect, you’re more likely to get respect.
Speak to the heart, not the head. Facts can and will be disputed, but a personal experience or a story about someone you know, or even someone you read about, is more compelling and more likely to get a caring response.
Be humble. Aim for understanding, not victory. Talk about what you’ve learned and also what you don’t know. For the biggest, most difficult, and painful issues facing our world, there are no simple answers.
Call a truce, if needed. If things start ramping up, you may want to say directly, "Let's just enjoy each other's company instead of discussing politics."
What about if the conflict is about more personal rather than political issues? Most likely the family member has good intentions, even when their comments are hurtful.
You could just step past the comment. Remind yourself that, as an adult, you can make your own decisions, and you don’t need their approval.
On the other hand, you may want to try to explain why their comments were hurtful. If they don’t know there’s a problem, they’re likely to say the same hurtful thing again.
You could give the family member the benefit of the doubt by saying, “I’m sure you didn’t mean to…” or “You probably didn’t realize…” or “I know you’re trying to be helpful…” Then describe the problem. “When you say things like that, I feel…” Finally ask for what you want, moving forward. “From now on, could you please…” People being people, it may take several reminders before your relative remembers consistently.
Wishing you and your loved ones a happy and peaceful Thanksgiving.