Hi there,
Is friendship a competitive activity? Absolutely not! But sometimes kids can feel like they’re losing out when a friend seems closer to someone else.
In this week’s episode, I talk about some genuinely fun contests to have with friends and discourage keeping score about friends.
I’d love to hear what you think!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 73 - Best friend stops playing with him (J.J., Age 11)
Ep. 77 - Friend is nicer to someone else (Maya, Age 8)
Ep. 114 - Friend is ignoring her! (Emma, Age 13)
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Send in your child’s question!!!
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Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Which of the silly contests described at the start of this episode would you like to play with your friends?
What is the difference between keeping score with friends and keeping score about friends?
Why does it matter whether the other friends are whispering to each other or just talking to each other?
If your friend does something you don’t like, what are some reasons you might decide NOT to say anything about it?
Transcript
Here are 3 silly contests you can play with your friends:
Number one: pom pom race. Give each player a small pom pom and a straw. See who can be the first to blow through the straw and move their pom pom from a starting line to a finish line.
Number two: cookie face. Have players sit with their head back and place a cookie on each player’s forehead. See who can be the fastest to use their face muscles to move the cookie from their forehead to their mouth. If their cookie falls, they can start over.
Number three: cup mittens. Give everyone a pile of cotton balls. Have each player put their hands inside paper cups. Then see who can pick up the most cotton balls with their cup mittens and place them in another cup.
Keeping score with friends in a game or contest makes sense. It adds to the excitement! But keeping score about friends doesn’t make sense. Take a listen.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, Dr. Friendtastic. My name is Sara, and I’m eight years old. I have two close friends and one new friend. But the problem is, [one of] my close friends and new friend are talking to each other more than they talk with me or the other friends when we sit down for lunch. It’s like we aren’t even there! But what confuses me is that they do talk with me during recess, at the playground, and other classes, just not during lunch, and I feel left out. How can I talk with them... How can I talk with them about my feelings without sounding mean?
Hi, Sara! Thanks for sending in your question! So, your close friend and your new friend talk to each other at lunch, and seem to ignore you, but at recess and in other classes, they happily include you. I can see why that would be confusing! Why do they act friendly most of the time but not at lunch? Also, it doesn’t feel good to be left out.
You’re feeling hurt, so part of you wants to tell them to stop excluding you at lunch! I’m wondering, though, if they really are deliberately excluding you. Talking to one person doesn’t necessarily mean rejecting someone else. In other words, there’s a good chance that they’re not trying to be mean.
What’s the table set-up at lunch? Are they on one end, farther away from others, so it’s easiest just to talk to each other?
What are those two friends talking about? Do they have a certain interest or activity they share that you don’t?
Are they just chatting, or are they whispering to each other?
If they’re whispering, it might be worth asking for what you want, without putting them down. In the moment or at a neutral time, you could ask, “Could you please try to include everyone at the lunch table and save the private conversations for some other time?”
If they’re not whispering, then, instead of confronting them, it might make more sense to try to join their conversation. Listen to what they’re saying. Smile and nod to show you’re interested. Then add to the conversation by asking questions beginning with How or What or making a comment that matches the emotional tone of their remarks. If they’re excited, you could make an excited comment. If they’re complaining, you could complain, too.
Another option is to say nothing. If they’re busy chatting to each other, you could just chat with someone else at the lunch table, and enjoy their company during recess. These two friends talking to each other more than you at lunch time is not necessarily a problem.
You don’t want to be constantly measuring who talks more to whom because keeping score about friends doesn’t make sense. What would it mean if you found, for example, that they said two sentences to you and twelve sentences to each other one day at lunch? Absolutely nothing! Plus, it’s not kind to test friends like that.
Even if these two girls actually do like each other more than they like you, they still like you! They show that at recess and in other classes. So, enjoy their friendship! Have fun with them! Also, have fun with your other friends! And let go of keeping score.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
