Hi there,
Happy New Year! Our first episode of the year addresses a very tricky question. Audrey wants to know how to how to tell a friend that she doesn’t want to be friends with them, without hurting their feelings. That’s not possible, but I talk about some more and less painful ways to break up with a friend.
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 127 - Friend wants space (Sloane, Age 6)
Ep. 114 - Friend is ignoring her! (Emma, Age 13)
Ep. 73 - Best friend suddenly stops playing with him (J.J., Age 11)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?
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Send in your child’s question!!!
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Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Have you ever had a friendship end? What happened? Was it your choice, their choice, neither, or both?
If you were the friend being dumped, how would you want your former friend to handle it?
Dr. Friendtastic believes it’s very mean to suddenly refuse to speak with someone you were close to. What do you think? Why is this not a good way to handle friendship rough spots?
Why is it not a good idea to involve other people in a conflict between you and a friend?
How do you decide whether to try to work things out or end a friendship? (Hint: what might make you want to stay or go?)
Transcript
How do you respond when someone offers you food you don’t like? I hope you don’t say, “Ewww! That’s disgusting!” because that would be rude. A simple “No, thank you” is more polite and kinder to the person offering the food.
What if the thing we want to say, “No, thank you” to isn’t food; it’s a friendship? That’s more complicated. Take a listen.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Audrey, and I’m 9 years old. I want to know, how do you tell a friend that you don’t want to be friends with them, without hurting their feelings?
Hi, Audrey. Thanks for sending in your question! The short answer is: You can’t. Telling someone you don’t want to be friends with them is a rejection. There’s no way to reject someone who wants to be friends with you and have them not feel hurt or angry. But there are more and less painful ways to break up with a friend. Before we get into that, let me ask you a couple of questions.
My first question is, do you need to end the friendship?
Maybe you do. It’s your right to decide who you want to be friends with! Not every friendship is healthy. I wouldn’t want you to stay in a relationship with someone who’s been consistently mean to you.
On the other hand, your concern about your former friend’s feelings might mean you still care about her. If it’s mostly been a good friendship until recently, trying to talk things out–rather than breaking up–might be a good path forward. Conflicts usually have two sides, so you’d also have to be ready to hear what she wants from you.
Figuring out how to get past friendship rough spots is a normal part of friendship. It’s up to you to decide if it’s worth trying to do so in this case.
My second question is: does it have to be a full break-up?
Friendships change over time, and sometimes people who used to be close become less close. They still care about each other, but they might spend less time together. Again, only you can decide whether a full break-up or a softer downgrade is what you want in this situation.
OK, so now let’s shift to what you might say to your former friend.
One option–that I hope you won’t take–is to suddenly refuse to talk to her. My personal opinion is that this kind of abrupt and complete cut-off with someone you were close to is one of the most viciously cruel things anyone can do. It tells the other person you think they’re worthless. It would leave your former friend feeling confused–because you never said what the problem was–and deeply hurt. Please don’t be that mean.
Other not-good options are to talk about the problem to everyone except the girl involved or to have someone else tell her that you don’t want to be her friend anymore. Involving others just makes the problem bigger.
Another option, if you’re in more of a gradual down-grade situation, is to show, through your actions. how you want to redefine the relationship. So, you could be friendly at lunch but not invite her over for playdates. With no big declaration, it might be easier to upgrade the friendship later, if things improve.
On the other hand, avoiding saying anything could just postpone a conflict or make it bigger. Your former friend might get even more upset if she’s confused about why you’re suddenly acting differently. If she asks you what’s going on, don’t lie and say things are fine when they’re not.
Your best option is probably to talk to your former friend about what’s going on for you. Try to do it privately. Use the word “I,” as in “I think,” “I feel,” “I want.” Don’t call her names or criticize who she is as a person. You also don’t have to give her a long list of everything she’s ever done wrong or everything you don’t like about her. Focus on how you want to move forward.
Depending on the situation, you could say, “We usually end up arguing when we’re together, so I think it would be good for us to take a break from hanging out for a while,” or “I feel very hurt that you keep making fun of my stutter, even though I’ve asked you not to a bunch of times. I don’t want to hang out with you anymore,” or “I like you, but we don’t have as much in common as we used to. I want us to be friends, but not get together every weekend.”
Right now, you are the person who wants a break-up of some sort. Someday, I promise, you will be the person who is getting dumped. Try to treat your friend the way you’d like to be treated in that situation.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
