Hi there,
Around age 7, kids begin to be able to compare themselves to others in a realistic way. A younger child might say, “Watch me do my big jumps!” Their enthusiasm is about moving their bodies. Middle school kids are afraid of standing out, and they may feel very self-conscious, especially when they think they’re worse at something than their peers.
In this week’s episode, Summer wonders whether she should quit a sport that she’s not very good at, but also expresses reluctance about missing out on the fun. I offer some challenges to the “I have to be impressive!” mentality.
What have you told your child about when to quit and when to keep going? Let me know in the comments!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 7 – Friend is a poor sport (Emma, Age 11)
Ep. 75 - Upset when he loses a game (Alex, age 10)
Ep. 125 - Not picked to play on the team (Charlie, Age 9)
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Send in your child’s question!!!
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Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why do you think kids sometimes want to quit a sport or activity if they’re not instantly the best performer on the team?
What could you say to someone who wants to quit that might convince them to continue an activity?
When is it a good idea for kids to quit a sport or activity?
What is the difference between process and performance? They both matter, but which do you think is often most important? Why?
What can you do now that you weren’t able to do last year? How did you manage to improve your skills?
What are some ways to contribute to a team besides scoring in a game?
Transcript
Have you ever made cookies from a recipe? What happens if you leave out one ingredient? Depending on which ingredient you leave out, the cookies might turn out okay, but they wouldn’t taste the same.
We can think of players on a team as the ingredients in a recipe. They each do their part. You might be an essential ingredient on a team! Take a listen!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Let’s hear today’s question:
Hi, I’m Summer, and I’m 9 years old. My problem is I hardly ever score a goal at football club, so I want to stop going, but all my friends go, and I don’t want to miss out. What should I do?
Hi, Summer! Thanks for sending in your question. Just to clarify for my American listeners, what UK people call football, we call soccer. So, it sounds like you’re feeling frustrated and discouraged because you rarely score, and you’re wondering if that means you should quit the team.
Sometimes kids want to quit a sport or activity because they no longer enjoy it, or they want to put their energies elsewhere. If they’re not letting down their teammates or wasting their parents’ money, that might be okay
But often the desire to quit comes because kids believe, “If I’m not good at something, I should quit.” And sometimes kids believe a more extreme versions of this thought like “If I’m not good at something right away, I should quit” or “If I’m not the best at something, I should quit.” Yikes! All of these beliefs are unkind, unhelpful, and untrue.
Let’s talk about three reasons why the belief that “If I’m not good at something, I should quit” is not true.
Number 1: Learning skills takes time.
If you show up and keep practicing and getting feedback, you will improve. Will you become the best player on the team? Who knows? Maybe not. But you will definitely become a better player than you were before.
If you’ve played football for a while, think about your skills last year versus this year. I bet you see a big difference in what you can do. If you keep going, you’ll improve even more.
Your performance right now is just a tiny dot in time. If you quit, you’d miss out on seeing how much more you could improve.
Number 2: Process matters as much or more than performance.
Process is the journey. It’s all the things you do and experience along the way to a result. Performance is just the result. If you’re focused only on how often you score, which is your performance, then you’re overlooking all the other things you get along the way from being on a team. That includes spending time with friends, getting to meet new people who might become friends, spending time outside, getting to run around and play a fun game, wearing a cool uniform and feeling part of a team, getting to know your coach, having nice snacks, and even being able to chat about the latest game or practice at lunch! It would be a shame to give up so many enjoyable process parts if you quit because of your performance.
Number 3: There are many ways to contribute to a team!
Obviously, scoring goals is an important way to help your team, but it’s far from the only way. You can contribute by having a good attitude, working hard at practice, listening to the coach, passing the ball, guarding an opposing player, working the play, cheering on your teammates, encouraging or helping a teammate who’s struggling, celebrating a victory together, sharing the disappointment of a loss, helping to pick up the balls, bringing nice snacks, or hosting a team bonding event! All of those matter and make the experience of being on a team better.
If you quit just because you rarely score, the team would probably carry on, but it wouldn’t have the same flavor without you. I hope you’ll choose to work on improving your skills, enjoy the process, and, most of all, focus on what you can give your team.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
