Hi there,
I often get questions about making new friends while keeping old friends. In this week’s podcast, I talk about the idea of an anchor friends. An anchor friend can help us feel secure or stuck, depending on the relationship. Let me know what you think!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. Be sure to check out this month’s featured workshop on kids’ self-esteem, plus my new Full-Access Membership!
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 13 (re-release) - How to deal with an octopus friend (Mara, Age 9)
Ep. 129 - Kindest way to break up with a friend (Audrey, Age 9)
Ep. 67 - Choosing good friends (Paul, Age 12)
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Send in your child’s question!!!
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Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Have you ever had a best friend? How is a close or best friend different from other friends?
Why do you think someone might not want their friend to have other friends? How might that affect the friendship?
Why is it a good idea to have more than one friend?
What are some ways you’ve tried to make new friends?
Transcript
An anchor is a heavy piece of metal with hooks on the end, that’s attached to a rope or chain. People on boats lower an anchor to the ground. under the water, to hold the boat in place. An anchor keeps the boat safe, so it doesn’t float off or get blown away in a storm.
A close friend can be like an anchor. They help you feel grounded and secure. But what happens when you want to move beyond the anchor? Take a listen.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
My name is Antonella. I’m 10 years old. My question is, what should I do if my best friend isn’t letting me have any other friends?
Hi, Antonella. Thanks for sending in your question! I’m guessing you have lots of feelings happening at the same time. You call this kid your “best friend,” which suggests you care about her. You feel blocked from having other friends, so you’re probably feeling frustrated or even angry. And, you might also be feeling worried because you don’t want to hurt this friend or end your friendship.
Close friends often spend a lot of time together. They may even expect to do everything together. This can feel lovely and cozy, or it can feel like you’re trapped.
It’s understandable that you’d want to have a variety of friends. The challenge is to do that in a way that also preserves your close, anchor friendship.
The easiest way to do this might be to include your anchor friend in making new friends. You could talk with her about your wish to have more friends and ask for her help to do that. That way, making new friends would become a shared project, something that brings you together.
Friendship threesomes can be tricky, so maybe the two of you could make plans to get together with two or more other kids. Or maybe you could sign up together for an activity that will allow you to meet more people.
Another option is to talk with your friend and tell her you care about her and you also want to have other one-on-one friendships. This might be hard for your friend to understand and accept. Just like she’s your anchor friend, you’re her anchor friend. So, saying you want to hang out with other people–without her–could feel like you’re cutting her anchor and setting her adrift!
If you decide to go this route, the key is to both tell her and show her that she matters to you. So, you might have a playdate with someone else and then invite her over the next day. You could also be enthusiastic about seeing her during the time you spend together. You may find that time apart deepens your friendship because it gives you the chance to miss each other a bit, and you’ll both come back with new experiences to share.
What if you’ve tried all of this and she still reacts with hurt tears, jealousy, or anger every time you even talk with someone else. Ouch. That could certainly make you feel trapped! You said your friend won’t “let” you have other friends. But I don’t think she’s tying you to a tree to prevent you from talking to anyone else. She’s not in charge of you. She doesn’t get to decide who your friends are. You’re allowed to create new friendships even if she doesn’t like it.
But remember: If you turn elsewhere for friendship, chances are she will, too, at some point. Try to be open to her new friends the way you hope she will to yours.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
