Hi there,
We’ve all had the experience of wishing time could stand still. But of course it doesn’t. Kids are constantly growing and changing, so their friendships are, too. Kids may also experience changes that they have no control over, such as having to move away from close friends. Their hearts might ache for how things were before, but there’s no option except to move forward.
In this week’s episode, Alice feels hurt when her best friend finds a new best friend after Alice moves away. That’s a painful loss. And it’s not the end of the story.
Let me know what you think!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 133 - Can he be friends with people who don’t like him? (John, Age 8)
Ep. 129 - Kindest way to break up with a friend (Audrey, Age 9)
Ep. 122 - Excluded because he’s a boy (Calvin, Age 8)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?
Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think-About-It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
If you could be any age, what age would you choose to be and why?
Have you ever moved or had a friend move away from you? What happened?
Do you think it’s fair that Alice’s best friend found a new best friend after Alice moved away? Why or why not?
What would you do if you found out that you and your family had to move far away from where you live now? How would you try to stay in touch with old friends? How would you make new friends?
How is life (and friendship) like a leaf floating downstream?
Transcript
Imagine a leaf floating on a stream. Maybe the steam flows quickly or maybe it ambles slowly. The leaf might swirl and twist around rocks, or it might glide gently and steadily. Either way it keeps heading downstream.
Life is kind of like that. So is friendship. Take a listen.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name’s Alice. I am 8 years old, and my question is, what should I do if my best friend finds another best friend? We used to live really close in the Netherlands, and now I have moved to England.
Hi, Alice. Thanks for sending in your question! My guess is that you’re feeling sad, hurt, and maybe also angry that your best friend seems to have moved on to another best friend, after you moved away.
This is a difficult situation! When you and your friend lived close together and saw each other often, it was easy to stay close. Now that you live far away from each other, your friendship is not going to be the same as it was. It can’t be. Circumstances and time have changed it.
The fact that your friendship has changed doesn’t mean it has to be over! It’s just different. You can still care about each other a lot. You can still stay in touch by writing letters or sending electronic messages or calling or having video chats. Maybe, someday, you can even visit each other.
To keep the friendship going, you’ll both have to work harder than before to know what’s going on in each other’s lives. Tell your friend about the new people you’re meeting and the new experiences you’re having, so she can imagine your new life. Ask your friend about her new friend, and try to view that friend as something good that came into your friend’s life. She didn’t do anything wrong by finding a new, nearby best friend. You care about her, so you wouldn’t want her to be lonely.
Part of you might wish you could go back to the way things used to be, but people are always growing and changing, which means their friendships change over time, too. Even if you had stayed in the Netherlands, near your friend, your friendship would not be the same today or next year, as it was last year.
Part of you might worry that you’ll never have a friendship like you did with this friend. That’s true. You’ll never have a friendship exactly like that. The two of you are unique people, and that was a unique point in time. It makes sense that you’re grieving the loss of the special friendship you had.
But here’s something I want you to know: Your closest friendships are probably ahead of you. As kids get older, they become better at imagining other people’s perspectives, which makes them better able to build deep and meaningful friendships.
I think you should treasure the memories of the special closeness you had with this friend. I think you should do everything you can to continue and build your connection during this new stage of your friendship. And, I think you should be open to discovering new friendships in your new home. Right now, you’re feeling the loss of not having your best friend nearby. That’s understandable! But you just don’t know what friendships you’ll discover downstream. I predict that you have some wonderful friendships ahead of you!
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
Parents, check out my online workshops for kids at workshops.eileenkennedymoore.com.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
