The Very First Dr. Friendtastic Podcast Parent Note!

NEW resource for you!!!

Hi, I’m trying something new for you!

Moving forward, for each podcast episode, I’m going to create a Podcast Parent Note that will cover the issues raised in that episode in more depth and offer you ways to support your child’s learning about that topic. (I’ll aim for Saturday, the same day as the podcast, but it might be a day or two later, depending on how organized I am!)

I’m sharing this first one with everyone, so you can get a sense of what I’ll be offering. They’ll be informal but practical, and they’ll include specially selected bonus resources of videos or articles I’ve created.

Starting in September, Podcast Parent Notes will be a benefit for paid subscribers.

I’m feeling my way here, so please let me know what you think!

Warm wishes,

Dr. Eileen

P.S. I’ll be off next weekend. Happy Labor Day!

Dr. Friendtastic Podcast Parent Note: Ep. 71 – Tali, Age 11: Is she a friend or not?

As parents, when we hear of another kid being mean to our kid, it’s tempting to leap in to defend our kid, call the other parent, or forbid our kid from ever being around the other kid!

Those impulses are understandable, but they won’t help our children learn to handle relationships.

In this week’s Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast episode, Tali wonders whether someone who is sometimes kind and sometimes unkind is really her friend. 

Here’s the link to the podcast episode, in case you missed it:

Of course we want our kids to have–and be!–steady warm friends, but, as I point out to Tali, everyone makes mistakes sometimes. Cutting off every person who ever does anything thoughtless or hurtful could leave your kid with slim pickings in friendship options. 

On the flip side, we don’t want our kids to sign up to be someone’s punching bag by tolerating being treated badly.

So, how can you help your child decide whether a friendship is worth continuing when it hits a rough spot?

There are no hard and fast rules, but asking good questions can help your child think things through.

• How do you usually feel when you’re around this kid?

• I know you didn’t like what they did, but how bad was it? (Have you ever done anything like that?)

• How often does this kid do something mean to you?

• Have you tried talking to the kid? Do they know you don’t like it? Have they apologized?

If the other kid is frequently and intentionally cruel, you may need to help your child find other friendship options. Sometimes kids stick with a not-so-kind friend because they’d rather have a bad friend than no friend. 

Kids make friends by doing fun things together, so use your deep knowledge of your child to figure out some activities they’d enjoy doing with other kids. You may also be able to draw on family members or religious communities to find buddies for your child. 

On the other hand, if the mean behavior isn’t frequent or severe, you may want to encourage your child to talk things out. This may require listening as well as speaking. It may require more than one conversation.

Or, maybe it’s something your child can just let go of and move on. Not every problem has to be “resolved.” Sometimes, out of caring for the friend or because it’s not that big of a deal, we decide just to accept the friend’s imperfections.

Another option, instead of a full break-up, is for your child to view the friendship as less close. Maybe this friend is fine for playing kickball, but not for confiding secrets. It could still be a worthwhile friendship.

It’s not easy to get past friendship rough spots, but figuring out how to handle them (with your support and encouragement!) helps your kid develop skills they’ll use throughout their lives!

Related Resources:

Article: When You… Don’t Like Your Child’s Friend

Article: Frenemies

2-Min. Video: When Your Child… Has an Argument with a Friend