When Your Child... Can't Decide
Some kids struggle to make even small decisions
Q: My nine-year-old daughter agonizes over decisions. Recently, we told the kids they could get a donut. What was supposed to be a fun treat turned into misery because she couldn’t decide and couldn’t decide and couldn’t decide. There were tears and frustration. She wanted me to pick, but I wasn’t going to do that. Telling her that it’s just a donut and definitely not the last donut of her life didn’t help. Eventually, she picked the same donut as her older brother, but she was miserable because she doesn’t particularly like that flavor. It’s not just donuts. Asking her to pick a game, or an outfit, or pretty much anything results in a nightmare of painful indecision. How do I spare her (and the rest of us!) this suffering?
Your daughter seems deeply afraid of making a wrong choice. She daughter was clearly suffering as she struggled to decide, and I’m sure it was also painful and frustrating for you to watch her agonizing.
I’m glad you didn’t make the choice for her. If you had, you would have confirmed her anxiety: “You’re right, darling! You’re not capable of choosing a donut!” Our instinct as parents is often to rescue our kids, but sometimes it’s important to tolerate their discomfort and trust in their strength.
As unpleasant as this event was for all involved, it might actually have been therapeutic. She did, in fact, make a choice that was wrong (for her), and she survived!
Two things might help your daughter agonize less about making decisions. The first is understanding more about decisions. Talking about decision-making at a neutral time could help your daughter feel better prepared to make decisions.
In one of my books for parents, Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Make Friends, Build Resilience, and Develop Real Self-Esteem, I talk about some myths that can get in the way of kids making decisions. See if your child can explain why each of these is a myth and what the truth is.
• Myth: I must be 100% certain in order to make a decision.
Truth: Nothing in life is 100% certain.
• Myth: In order to make a decision, I must analyze things endlessly.
Truth: At some point, further thought or discussion doesn’t improve the quality of the decision.
• Myth: Making a decision should be easy (and I’m stupid if I can’t decide).
Truth: Sometimes it’s easy to decide; sometimes it isn’t. The difficulty depends on the type of decision and how much practice you’ve had making decisions.
• Myth: I must be completely happy with my choice.
Truth: Choosing one option means letting go of other options. It’s common to have mixed feelings about a decision.
• Myth: If I make a wrong choice, it will be unbearable.
Truth: If you make a wrong choice, you will feel disappointment and regret, but you will survive. You’ll also probably learn something about yourself or the situation that can guide future decisions.
• Myth: A perfect choice exists, and I can’t decide until I’ve figured out what it is.
Truth: Most decisions are compromises or just reasonable guesses, based on whatever information we have available at the time. If one choice turns out to be wrong, it doesn’t mean the other choice was right. There are costs and benefits to most choices. What’s right for one person may not be right for another person. What seems right for you now may not be right for you later. That’s OK. You’ll adjust when and if you need to do so.
• Myth: If I keep thinking and avoid deciding, I won’t make a bad choice.
Truth: Not deciding is a choice. It’s a choice to avoid taking action, refuse commitment, and react passively to life rather than holding the steering wheel. It’s a choice to stay mired in uncertainty and allow opportunities to pass. Not deciding is rarely a positive choice. It’s living by default.
The second thing that could help is lots and lots of practice making decisions. Over time, this could help your daughter become more confident in her ability to decide and in her ability to tolerate imperfect decisions.
You may also want to watch Ruth Chang’s TED talk about how to make hard choices with your child. Chang explains that hard decisions aren’t about picking the “right” option; they’re about creating our own identity. By choosing, we declare, “This is who I am or want to be!”