Q: My nine-year-old daughter agonizes over decisions. Recently, we told the kids they could get a donut. What was supposed to be a fun treat turned into misery because she couldn’t decide and couldn’t decide and couldn’t decide. There were tears and frustration. She wanted me to pick, but I wasn’t going to do that. Telling her that it’s just a donut and definitely not the last donut of her life didn’t help. Eventually, she picked the same donut as her older brother, but she was miserable because she doesn’t particularly like that flavor. It’s not just donuts. Asking her to pick a game, or an outfit, or pretty much anything results in a nightmare of painful indecision. How do I spare her (and the rest of us!) this suffering?
Your daughter seems deeply afraid of making a wrong choice. She daughter was clearly suffering as she struggled to decide, and I’m sure it was also painful and frustrating for you to watch her agonizing.
I’m glad you didn’t make the choice for her. If you had, you would have confirmed her anxiety: “You’re right, darling! You’re not capable of choosing a donut!” Our instinct as parents is often to rescue our kids, but sometimes it’s important to tolerate their discomfort and trust in their strength.
As unpleasant as this event was for all involved, it might actually have been therapeutic. She did, in fact, make a choice that was wrong (for her), and she survived!
Two things might help your daughter agonize less about making decisions. The first is