When your child... complains the other kids are all paired off
2-min. video Q&A + transcript
Here’s a quick video answering a common question. Has your kid complained that the other kids are all paired off?
Q: My kid feels like all the other kids already have their friends, and she’s the odd one out. I've heard it multiple times this year. What advice can you give kids who think this way and are afraid to approach others?
Yes, they say that all the time. “Everybody is all paired up!” No, they are not!
They might be for the moment, but one of the things that we know about children's friendships is that they change a lot.
So, there was one study that looked at the duration of friendships from the fall, the beginning of the school year, to the spring. They found that among first graders, only about one-half of those close friendships lasted the whole school year. And among fourth and eighth graders, one-quarter of the friendships didn't last the full school year. So there is a lot of change in children's friendships.
There are, of course, the ones where they’ve known each other since kindergarten, and they’ve been friends forever, and that's lovely. But there is definitely room for movement.
I had a high school girl recently who was on the outs of her friendship group, and she's like, “My gosh, has this been ruined forever?” And “I'm never going to be able to be friends with them.” But then, in the course of the conversation, she brought up this other girl who used to be in the group, and [they] didn't like her so much because she was very negative. Then she started being more positive, and now she's on the inside. It didn't happen instantly, but it happened. And so this girl felt very hopeful. It's like, “I could be just like her and get things repaired.”
Kids make friends by doing fun things together. So think with your child about what they enjoy doing that they could do with other kids and go do that.
Also, to go back to the first question, it is really useful to signal to somebody that “I like you” by having fun with them at recess or inviting them to get together for a playdate or just a gathering or to walk through town. There is definitely room.
Nobody's paired off forever.
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I’m a clinical psychologist and an author of many books for parents or kids about children’s feelings and friendships. I’m also a mom of four grown children.