Q: My thirteen-year-old has a handful of close friends she’s known since kindergarten, but she feels horribly shy around people she doesn’t know well–even my brother, her uncle! She clams up and tells us later that she doesn’t know what to say. Next year, she’ll be at a new school. How can I help her feel more comfortable around new acquaintances?
Socially, your daughter has already done the important part for her happiness and well-being: she’s built close friendships. Interacting with people she doesn’t know well may seem challenging, but it’s easier than she thinks!
Most casual conversation–which is what she’d be having with unfamiliar people–is not witty banter; it’s pretty formulaic. This means that knowing some of those formulas could help your daughter feel more comfortable and confident in these situations.
Some people insist, “I hate small talk!”
I don’t.
Small talk is like putting a toe in the water of a relationship. It’s a way of easing into connection. It’s low risk and low effort. It’s kind, respectful, and mildly pleasant. It doesn’t have to be boring, and it can also be a necessary stepping stone toward deeper connection.
Here are some conversation formulas you may want to help your daughter practice, so she can feel better equipped in social settings with unfamiliar people. They’re easily adaptable to different situations and different conversation partners. Think of them as jumping-off points for getting to know someone and letting them get to know you.