When Your Child... Feels Shy around Unfamiliar People

Q: My thirteen-year-old has a handful of close friends she’s known since kindergarten, but she feels horribly shy around people she doesn’t know well–even my brother, her uncle! She clams up and tells us later that she doesn’t know what to say. Next year, she’ll be at a new school. How can I help her feel more comfortable around new acquaintances?

Socially, your daughter has already done the important part for her happiness and well-being: she’s built close friendships. Interacting with people she doesn’t know well may seem challenging, but it’s easier than she thinks!

Most casual conversation–which is what she’d be having with unfamiliar people–is not witty banter; it’s pretty formulaic. This means that knowing some of those formulas could help your daughter feel more comfortable and confident in these situations.

Some people insist, “I hate small talk!”

I don’t.

Small talk is like putting a toe in the water of a relationship. It’s a way of easing into connection. It’s low risk and low effort. It’s kind, respectful, and mildly pleasant. It doesn’t have to be boring, and it can also be a necessary stepping stone toward deeper connection.

Here are some conversation formulas you may want to help your daughter practice, so she can feel better equipped in social settings with unfamiliar people. They’re easily adaptable to different situations and different conversation partners. Think of them as jumping-off points for getting to know someone and letting them get to know you.

1) Friendly Greetings

Greetings are the first few seconds of interaction. For a friendly greeting, your daughter can:

• Look someone in the eye (or between the eyebrows, if that’s easier).

• Smile to show she’s happy to see them.

• Say hi

• Say the person’s name, if possible, to make the greeting personal.

If your daughter is uncomfortable greeting people, have her count how many people greet each other at school or other gatherings. Noticing how common greetings are might make it easier for her to try them and put to rest any “Nobody does that!” arguments.

2) Sincere Compliments

A sincere compliment is a great way to approach people. It’s like a small gift. We all tend to like people who appreciate our finer qualities! The compliment could be about something the person’s hairstyle or clothing or about something they did. “I like your…” or “I like how you…” or “Cool ____!” could be good ways to start a compliment.

3) What and How Questions

Questions that begin with the word “what” or “how” tend to get more elaborate answers than just yes or no. Asking questions–and genuinely listening to the answers–shows interest in someone. It also helps your daughter discover what she has in common with the other person, which is the foundation of friendship.

Asking open-ended questions also gets the other person talking, which takes some pressure off your daughter. She can respond to the other person’s answers with another question or share her thoughts or experiences on the same or related topics.

For family gatherings, you may be able to offer some suggestions of questions she could ask. For instance, if your brother enjoys gardening, your daughter could ask about that.

Warn your daughter to be careful about asking “Why” questions because they can come across as judgmental, as in, “WHY did you do such a thing? What’s wrong with you?”

4) Great-Plus-One-Fact

This is a formula for responding when someone asks her a How or What question. “Great” signals enthusiasm, which is fun to be around. “One fact” should be something that creates a picture in the listener’s mind, which could prompt more questions.

Here are a couple of examples:

• How was your weekend? / Great! My family went for a hike on Saturday.

• How’s school? (Such a grown-up question!) / Great! we’re learning about Native Americans in social studies.

Your daughter might protest, “Why do I have to say, ‘Great’?" Why can’t I just say ‘OK’ or ‘Fine’?” The answer is because those are conversation enders–especially if they’re said in a monotone.

Encourage your daughter to experiment with ‘Great” or at least “Good.” This is not about toxic positivity; it’s about being able to find some positive moment to share with the questioner.

5) Let the Activity Guide the Conversation

Kids make friends by doing fun things together. The simplest conversation formula is just to do something fun together. The activity will guide the conversation, and your daughter won’t have time to fret about what she should say.

Paid subscribers can submit questions for the Dr. Friendtastic newsletter in the comments or by emailing me at ekm@EileenKennedyMoore.com. Sorry, I can’t answer questions privately for individuals who are not my client