When Your Child... Gets Teased By a Friend
Q&A | Open Door for Parents with Dr. Eileen
Q: My son makes friends easily but he often gets disrespected by his friends. Recently, I happened to see a text on his phone, from a friend saying, “We miss you… kind of.” Was that comment mean or was his friend just being funny? How should my son respond?
One time, I was waiting for one of my kids at our local YMCA, when I saw two middle school boys approach. The boys were obviously close friends. They were laughing and smiling and poking each other. When they came to the entrance, one boy gestured grandly toward the door and said to the other, “Ladies first!” His friend responded with an equally grand gesture toward the door and said, “After you!” They both laughed, then the two of them jostled through the door together.
This kind of friendly teasing, which the boys I saw seemed to enjoy, can be baffling to those of us who would never dream of insulting a friend. For very sensitive kids, being the target of teasing, even–or especially–from a friend, can be hard to take.
It’s impossible to tell simply from the words of a text whether your son’s friend meant this remark in a mean or playful way. In a text, there’s no facial expression, tone of voice, or body language to communicate the emotional tone.
Your son’s best clue about the friend’s intentions is how the friend acts when they are together. Is the friend generally kind? Then it’s probably friendly teasing and your son should view it as a mildly annoying action by the friend and not take it to heart. Your son could either ignore it or say something flippant back. For instance, he could pretend that the comment was sincere: “Awww, thanks! I miss you, too!” A neutral “OK” (or “K,” in text) could also just move past this small moment.
If it’s a close friend and the teasing happens often. It may be worth your son saying something to him about the pattern in person. Conversations about feelings never go well over text. At a neutral time, or right after the friend makes a teasing comment in person, and when no one else is around (we want to solve the problem, not embarrass the friend), your son could say, “I don’t like it when you tease me. I don’t find it funny, just annoying. Let’s talk about something else.”
If the friend is often mean, your son should not talk with him about how he’s feeling. If the other kid is trying to upset him, saying “I don’t like it” will make him think, “Good!” Only people who care about your son’s feelings deserve to hear about them! In that case, a boring reaction or nonresponse such as changing the subject or walking away, pretending he didn’t hear the comment is probably his best option. This won’t stop the teasing, but it also won’t encourage it. Help your child figure out kinder friends to hang out with.
Sometimes kids who hate being teased think they should respond with a zinger that will take the teaser down and makes the teaser finally respect them. That only works in made-for-TV movies!!!! The teaser is looking for a reaction, so trying to get in a battle of wit and words will just encourage more teasing.
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Wednesday, Nov. 16 @ 8:30 pm - 9:30 pm (Eastern US time)
Getting together with relatives for holidays or events can be fun but also stressful–especially when kids are involved. Old family dynamics or newer differences in parenting styles can raise tension or create disagreements. Join Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore for an informal question and answer session about ways to increase the fun and lower the stress around family gatherings. (Recording will be available if you sign up but can’t attend the live event.)
RECORDED WEBINARS: Watch at your convenience
NEW: Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Build Real Self-Esteem
Parenting During Uncertain Times
Help Your Child Cope With Feelings
Helping Your Anxious Child
COMING SOON: Friendship in the Digital Age
COMING SOON: Making Up and Breaking Up With Friends
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Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Make Friends, Build Resilience, and Develop Real Self-Esteem
In her warm, accessible style, Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore has turned conventional thinking about self-esteem on its head. This one is a game-changer.
-- Dawn Huebner, PhD, Author of Outsmarting Worry
Fundamentally wise and compassionate.
-- Carol D. Goodheart, EdD, Former President, American Psychological Association
Chapters include:
"Why are you always yelling at me?" When your child reacts intensely to parental correction.
“Nobody likes me!" When your child feels friendless.
"I can't do it! I quit!" When your child gives up easily.
"I can't decide!" When your child feels trapped by indecision.
Real self-esteem and the joys of a quiet ego.
