When Your Child... Has a Terrible Temper
Q&A | Dr. Friendtastic for Parents
Q: My 11-year-old son has a terrible temper. At least once a week, when he goes out to play with the neighbor kids, he ends up getting mad and storming off. He doesn’t physically hurt anyone, but he yells and says mean things, like calling them stupid or cheaters. Sometimes he throws or breaks things–even his own stuff. He always feels bad and apologizes afterward. How do I help him manage his anger?
We can never go wrong by reaching first for empathy. Start by listening and acknowledging your child’s frustration. It will be easier for your son to move past his anger when he believes you’ve heard and understood what he’s going through.
Effective anger management happens well before the explosion. You’ve described the big blow-up at the end, but I’m wondering, what happens before that?
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Once your son feels heard, then there are three broad areas to think about to help him understand his anger and figure out how to cope:
the situation, his thinking, and his actions. If we focus only on his actions (“Don’t throw things. Don’t call people names.”), we’re skipping what could be the most helpful, farther upstream options.
Choose a calm time to talk about these three areas with your son and work with him to figure out what might make be useful. Be curious about what he’s noticed and experienced. You may be pleasantly surprised by his perceptive observations and effective problem-solving ideas when he’s away from the heat of the moment. Your goal isn’t to give him the answer; it’s to help him think things through.
Changing the Situation
Situational control is always easier than self-control. What has your son noticed about the situations that are most likely to set him off? Think: who, what, when, where, how? Is there any way he could change the situation to make it easier to handle? Are there certain situations that he might be better off avoiding?
For instance, if playing flag football always turns ugly, maybe your son could suggest a game of tag. If sharing some toys leads to conflict, maybe he could bring extras or keep his precious things inside. If a certain constellation of neighborhood kids ends up with him feeling excluded, maybe he could decide to stay away from that situation.
The situation includes what’s happening in his body. If he’s tired, hungry, hot, cold, or otherwise physically uncomfortable, his patience is going to be less. It might help to have a snack before he goes out to play, to dress for the weather, or to come in before it gets too late.
Adjusting His Thinking
Sometimes we can’t change or avoid a situation, but we always have a choice in how we think about it.
If your son is telling himself, “They shouldn’t do that!”, but they do whatever it is anyway, he’s set himself up for frustration. We can’t control what other people do. A more flexible thought might be “I don’t like it when they do that, but it’s not that big of a deal.”
If he’s thinking, “They’re doing it on purpose to make me mad!”, then he’s going to feel furious and resentful. If he tells himself, “They can’t help it” or “It was an accident” he might still be displeased, but he probably won’t be furious.
His thoughts about himself are also relevant. “I can’t take it!” is a dead end. “I don’t like it, but I can handle it” could help him cope.
Choosing His Actions
It could be useful to come up with a plan together for what your son can do when things start going south. Maybe he needs to take a quick break as soon as he starts to get frustrated, rather than waiting until things are very heated.
Maybe he needs to practice speaking up in ways that others are likely to hear. The two of you could role-play asking instead of demanding or using “I” statements to tell the other kids what he thinks or wants. It might also be useful to talk about how to compromise or when it’s worth just giving in.
Having a plan for what he’s going to do could help your son feel more equipped to handle challenging situations. For instance, he might decide, “If I’ve asked them nicely twice to stop, and they still don’t stop, then I’ll come inside and try again tomorrow.” Or maybe “If I start to feel upset, then I’ll take a deep breath and let it out before I say anything”
Slowing things down and helping your son think through what his options are, imagine other kids’ perspectives, and anticipate how they’re likely to respond to what he says or does could help your son make wise and kind decisions.
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