Hi,
This week’s Q&A post is about imaginary friends. Did you have one as a kid? Full confession: As a young child, I had an imaginary group of friends that traveled around with me. Sometimes adults would scold me for not paying attention, but I actually was paying attention…to the conversation among my imaginary friends!
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Q: My five-year-old has an invisible friend who he talks about all the time. Is this a sign that he’s stressed or having difficulty relating to other kids? Does it mean he’s lonely? My mom thinks I should confront him and explain that the imaginary friend isn’t real, so my son doesn’t get confused about what’s real and what’s not. He’s generally cheerful and seems to be doing fine in kindergarten, but should I be concerned?
A: Having an imaginary friend is very normal for kids. And usually very fun.
A friend told me that she once had a moment of sheer terror in her own driveway. Her three kids were sitting in the back seat of the car. She was backing out of the driveway, when suddenly her youngest daughter, who was four at the time, screamed in fright, “Stop!”
My friend slammed on the brakes. With her heart in her throat, she looked around frantically, trying to spot the danger. “What?” she asked urgently. “What is it?!”
“You almost ran over Boopsie!” her daughter exclaimed.
Boopsie was her daughter’s invisible friend. Fortunately, after a few moments, Boopsie had moved out of the way, and they were able to proceed. It took a bit longer for my friend’s heart rate to settle.
How common are invisible friends?
As you already know, young children play pretend games and interact with their stuffed animals, dolls, or other special toys as if they were alive. According to Marjorie Taylor and her colleagues at the University of Oregon, by age 7, about 37% of children take imaginative play a step further and create an invisible friend. They occur among kids from many different cultures.
The variety of forms that invisible friends come in is a testament to the power of imagination. Tracy Gleason and her colleagues cite these examples from their research on invisible friends.
Star Friends and Heart Fan Club: “Groups of preschool-aged human friends with whom the child had birthdays, went to the fair, and spoke a language called Hobotchi.”
Herd of cows: “Cows of many colors and varying sizes who were often fed or diapered like infants. Discovered when the child’s father accidentally stepped on one.”
Maybe: “A human of varying gender whom the child routinely summoned by shouting out the front door of the family’s house.”
As these descriptions show, invisible friends can be human, animal, or fantasy creatures. They may appear alone or in groups. In past research, boys have been observed inventing only male imaginary friends, whereas girls have either male or female ones.
Children with invisible friends can readily describe what these friends look like and how they behave. Many children even offer details about hearing or touching their invisible friends. Invisible friends can sometimes be a part of the life of a child—and a family—for years.
Taylor and her colleagues found that children who create a friend out of a personified object tend to have a parent-like relationship with their special toy friend, whereas children with invisible friends tend to imagine an egalitarian relationship, more like a real friend.
Children vividly experience interactions with their invisible friends, but they almost always know that these friends aren’t real. Looking at transcripts of interviews of 86 children with invisible friends, Taylor and her colleagues found that 77 percent of these children said “yes” when asked if they had a pretend friend, and 40 percent spontaneously remarked at some point during the interview that they were talking about a pretend friend. The children offered statements such as, “Her is a fake animal,” “I just made him up in my head,” and “He’s not in real life.” Only one child was adamant that her invisible friend was real.
On the other hand, invisible friends are an especially compelling and involved form of pretend play. My friend’s daughter was genuinely upset at the prospect of her invisible friend getting run over.
Perhaps invisible friends represent “bemagination”—something partway between belief and imagination.