Q: My formerly outgoing almost-12-year-old is suddenly extremely anxious about going to social events. She’s excited to be invited, but just before we’re supposed to leave, she announces, “I’m not going!” I’ve tried empathizing. I’ve tried insisting. She just gets more adamant that she won’t go and won’t explain why. Recently we had a picnic with a bunch of families she’s known her whole life and kids her age that she likes. She sat in the car and refused to get out. Finally, a friend persuaded her to join everyone, and she ended up having a good time and even winning the hula hoop contest. What can I do to help her regain her social confidence and prevent these ugly scenes?
Aren’t you glad you’re not in middle school anymore? I sure am.
For many kids, the middle school years are an awkward and uncomfortably self-conscious stage. I’m not surprised your daughter couldn’t explain why she didn’t want to go. It doesn’t seem like there’s a specific problem that she can point to. She just feels uncomfortable as she imagines going, so she wants to avoid that.
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Wanting to avoid feeling uncomfortable is a typical, human instinct, but avoidance makes anxiety grow. If she hadn’t gone to this picnic, it would be even harder for her to go to the next social event. The fact that she had a good time once she joined everyone is a very good sign.
One of the most important ways that we, as parents, influence our kids is through the