When Your Child… is Anxious about Social Events
Q&A | Dr. Friendtastic for Parents
Q: My formerly outgoing almost-12-year-old is suddenly extremely anxious about going to social events. She’s excited to be invited, but just before we’re supposed to leave, she announces, “I’m not going!” I’ve tried empathizing. I’ve tried insisting. She just gets more adamant that she won’t go and won’t explain why. Recently we had a picnic with a bunch of families she’s known her whole life and kids her age that she likes. She sat in the car and refused to get out. Finally, a friend persuaded her to join everyone, and she ended up having a good time and even winning the hula hoop contest. What can I do to help her regain her social confidence and prevent these ugly scenes?
Aren’t you glad you’re not in middle school anymore? I sure am.
For many kids, the middle school years are an awkward and uncomfortably self-conscious stage. I’m not surprised your daughter couldn’t explain why she didn’t want to go. It doesn’t seem like there’s a specific problem that she can point to. She just feels uncomfortable as she imagines going, so she wants to avoid that.
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Wanting to avoid feeling uncomfortable is a typical, human instinct, but avoidance makes anxiety grow. If she hadn’t gone to this picnic, it would be even harder for her to go to the next social event. The fact that she had a good time once she joined everyone is a very good sign.
One of the most important ways that we, as parents, influence our kids is through the narratives we help them create about their experiences. Right now, your daughter’s narrative is something like “Social events make me uncomfortable.” It might be useful to shift that narrative to “I sometimes have a stuck moment just before a social event.”
At a neutral moment–not when you’re about to leave for an event–you might say something like, “I’ve noticed sometimes you have a stuck moment just before a social event.” You could try asking some open-ended questions along the lines of “What’s going on for you when that happens?” or “What’s that like for you?” She may or may not answer, but you’ve introduced the idea of a “stuck moment.”
The alternative narrative changes the whole focus. Instead of her justifying why social events are difficult and always will be, talking about “having a stuck moment” implies that this state is temporary, and it’s something that’s happening within her.
Next, you can encourage her to focus on coping. You could say, “Once you joined the picnic, you had a good time, so it’s really that little bit of time just beforehand that we need to figure out how to deal with. What do you think would be helpful for getting past a stuck moment?” Try to get her to come up with ideas.
Possibilities include:
Walking in with a friend,
Arriving a bit early or a bit late (whichever is easier),
Finding out more about what will happen at the event before she goes, so she knows what to expect,
Coming up with a game plan about what to do when she arrives. For instance, I’ve had more than a few clients who were afraid to go to birthday parties. I tell them, “Here’s what you do: When you arrive, look for the present table and put your present there. Then (if it’s cold) look for the coat pile and put your coat there. Then look for the birthday kid and say, “Happy birthday!” Finally, look around to see what the other kids are doing, and do that.” Having a game plan can be useful for getting through any initial awkwardness.
Kids who feel anxious are genuinely suffering, so we definitely want to offer empathy. But there’s something else they need from us, which you gave your daughter by bringing her to the picnic even though she was reluctant to go. Especially when they’re doubting themselves, they need us to share our confidence that they can deal with challenging situations.
One of my favorite parenting strategies is to be our child’s biased biographer. Remember those times when your child struggled then triumphed, and be ready to whip them out when needed. “I remember when you were first learning to ride your bike, and you fell, and you fell, and you fell. But now look at you zipping around!” The picnic is a great one: “I remember when you were so scared to go to the picnic, but then, somehow, you found the courage to go in, and you had fun with your friends and even won the hula hoop contest!”
The more experiences your daughter has with moving past stuck points, the more confident she’ll become that she can do that.
Paid subscribers can submit questions about their child’s–or their own–feelings and friendships for possible inclusion in the newsletter. Send your question to ekm@EileenKennedyMoore.com. Sorry, I can’t answer questions privately, but I’ll do as many as I can in the newsletter.
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