When Your Child... No Longer Likes Your Friend's Kid
Q&A | Dr. Friendtastic for Parents
Q: I’m very close friends with another mom. We were pregnant together, raised our kids together, have regular barbeques and birthday parties together, and even went on family vacations together. Our spouses are also friends, and so are our younger sons. Our daughters used to be very close, but now that they’re in middle school, my daughter doesn’t want to be friends with her daughter anymore. My daughter says her kid is “weird” and “annoying,” but she’s always been kind to my daughter when our families get together. My friend has asked me about the new distance between the girls and says her daughter feels hurt and rejected. The whole situation is awkward and upsetting. I know I can’t force my kid to be friends with her kid, but my daughter’s new meanness to someone who’s been a good friend to her her whole life makes me so mad and sad! Any suggestions?
Ouch. There are a lot of layers to this problem. On the one hand, as you’ve pointed out, you really can’t “make” your kid like another kid. On the other hand, it’s frustrating and upsetting to see your daughter rejecting and being mean to an old friend. On the third hand, you want to maintain your friendship with the other mom, and it’s hard to imagine a situation where she wouldn’t feel hurt or furious about your kid rejecting her child.
Kids change. A lot. And not necessarily in the same way or on the same schedule. Middle school can take a particular toll on friendships because some kids are more like children and some are more like teens, which can create a gap in interests and experiences. I remember feeling alarmed in middle school when my girlfriends suddenly became “boy crazy,” and I so was not there.
There’s also an increased interest in social status around this age which can lead kids to move away from old friends who don’t fit what they want to be their “image” as they try to move toward other kids who do. Not defending. Just describing.
Then there’s the disheartening data about friendship breakups. One study found that only 27% of children kept the same best friend one year after the transition to middle school. Another study of mutual best friendships that began when kids were in seventh grade found that only about a quarter of these friendships lasted until eighth grade, less than 1 in 10 made it to ninth grade, and only 1 percent were maintained in 12th grade.
OK, so kids change a lot at this age, and their friendships don’t necessarily survive, but what can you do in your situation?