When your child... struggles to join the game
2-min. video Q&A + transcript
One parent asked about a challenge many kids face. Has your child ever stood on the sidelines, feeling too anxious to join a group of kids playing a game? It’s a common experience, but helping kids understand how to join in can make it much easier!
Transcript
Q: What advice would you give a child who's afraid to ask others to play because they're worried the answer will be no?
So, my answer to this might be a bit surprising. Adults often tell kids to “go over there and ask if you can play.” This is a bad idea.
Think about it: What's going to happen?
Your kid walks up there and says, "Can I play too?" The other kids have to stop what they're doing, turn around, and look at your kid. This is just too much of an opening for the mischievous kids to say, "No, you can't play. Ha ha ha."
Researchers have found a very specific sequence for joining a group at play: “watch, then blend." Watch what the kids are doing, then slide into the action without interrupting.
So your child, for instance, if everybody is playing Foursquare, should notice where the end of the line is, where the king place is, and what's going on. Then, stand at the end of the line.
If everybody's playing tag, your child should watch and notice who's "it" and how far the boundaries are, then slide into the action without interrupting it.
If everybody is building something, your child could approach with a compliment or by bringing extra building materials—slide into the action without interrupting.
There are two ways to mess this up. One is to stand back and watch what the kids are doing but never actually join. The other is to barge in and mess up the game, but that's not going to work.
And there are kids who – while everyone is playing ball, they come in, grab the ball, and then everyone chases after them, but they're mad at them. This is not an effective joining of the group.
Watch, then blend.
Looking for more ways to help your child feel confident and capable in friendships?
This month's workshop, Dealing with Feelings About Friends – For Kids!, is a great place to start.
This on-demand workshop helps kids understand how emotions affect their friendships and gives them the tools to handle tricky situations. It’s filled with entertaining, relatable cartoons and realistic tips they can put into practice right away.
Paid subscribers get $20 off with a coupon code (expires at the end of the month). If you have a coupon, don’t forget to use it by January 31st!
Do YOU have a question you’d like me to answer?
Submit it HERE.
Looking for more resources? Check out my books for parents or kids!
Why should you trust me?
I’m a clinical psychologist and an author of many books for parents or kids about children’s feelings and friendships. I’m also a mom of four grown children.