When Your Child… Was Bullied and You’re Still Anxious
How to help your child–and you–move past bullying
Q: Last fall, my son was bullied very badly by a group of boys who constantly made fun of him. It was so awful! Kids were literally telling him he should go in a hole and die. Fortunately, that ended, thanks to intervention by the school and the fact that the ringleader moved away. The problem is, both he and I are anxious about it happening again. It hasn’t, but every time anything even slightly less than positive happens with a classmate, there’s the worry, “Is this going to turn into bullying?” I don’t want him to be scarred for life by what happened! How do I help him (and me) move past the bullying?
I am so sorry to hear that your son–and you–went through this! And I’m very glad that it’s stopped. That’s the first, crucial step toward recovery.
After such a horrible experience, it makes sense that your son and you would be on high alert, scanning the environment for danger, hoping to prevent it from happening again. With time, and continued lack of danger, that’s likely to ease. If it doesn’t, and the anxiety is interfering with eating, sleeping, and daily life, you may want to consult a mental health professional.
We can’t erase painful experiences, but we can create new, more positive experiences on top of them. Helping your son build or strengthen friendships where he feels known and valued could go a long way in easing his (and your) upsetting memories.
Kids make friends by doing fun things together. Help your son figure out what he enjoys doing that he could do with other kids. Maybe there’s a club, activity, or class he’d like to join. One-on-one get-togethers are a great way to deepen friendships. Having good friends could also help make him less of a target for future bullying.
One of the most important ways that we, as parents, influence our children is by helping shape their narratives about their experiences. We are all meaning-making creatures. We don’t just have experiences, we create stories about what those experiences reveal about ourselves, other people, and the world.
Sometimes kids blame themselves for being bullied. They may focus on their flaws as the cause of the bullying or their helplessness in not being able to stop it. That type of narrative leaves them feeling stuck.
Try to help your son create an empowering narrative about this experience. The narrative should be positive but realistic. You definitely don’t want to minimize or sugarcoat what he went through, but you can emphasize his strength and resourcefulness. Touch on your deepest family values and frame the experience in a way that makes room for hope.
You might say something like this:
What you went through was scary and upsetting. It also wasn’t your fault. You didn’t deserve to be treated that way; nobody does. In our family, we believe in kindness and treating everyone with respect. What those kids did was very, very wrong.
I wish it had never happened! But I have to tell you, I’m so proud of you!
You’ve shown so much courage and inner strength! You chose to do the right thing and not be nasty back or try to get even with those kids, even though they were being mean to you. You were brave to tell your counselor and me what was happening. You also didn’t give up! You kept going to school, and you’re making wise choices about the kids you hang out with. You know what it means to be a real friend.
We don’t know how strong we are until life tests us. I think it’s a pretty amazing thing to learn about yourself, at your age, that you can face a terrible situation, and, with the help of people who care about you, get through it and move past it. I love you so much!
RECORDED WEBINARS: Watch at your convenience
Friendship Skills - FOR KIDS! (a webinar for children ages 6-12)
Friendship in the Digital Age (This is a recording of a recent presentation in front of a LIVE audience.)
Kid Confidence: Help Your Child Build Real Self-Esteem
Making Up and Breaking Up With Friends (Q&A session)
Parenting During Uncertain Times
Help Your Child Cope With Feelings
Helping Your Anxious Child (Q&A session)
