When your stress is rubbing off on your child
2-min. video Q&A + transcript
A question that comes up often is how to support kids when we’re the ones having a hard time.
One parent wrote in to say her seven-year-old has been picking up on her stress and told her, “I don’t want you to be sad.” She wanted to know how to reassure him without pretending everything is fine.
Here’s how I responded.
P.S. If this topic resonates with you, I’ll be covering more of the same in my upcoming workshop, Parenting During Difficult Times. We’ll look at five common concerns parents face when life gets hard, and practical ways to support your child (and yourself) through them.
Transcript
Q: My 7-year-old says, ‘I don’t want you to be sad.’ I’m going through a tough time, but how do I reassure him without pretending everything is perfect?
Oh my goodness. First, let me say I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I think your instincts are right. False reassurance—saying “I’m not stressed”—doesn’t work. Kids can see through that. They can read our emotions.
So let’s use this as an opportunity to teach him about coping. Be honest about your feelings. You don’t need to go into all the details of everything that’s worrying you, but you can say something like, “Yeah, I’m feeling kind of overwhelmed.”
Then, talk about what you’re doing to take care of the situation and take care of yourself. That’s important teaching, too. You could say, “I’m thinking about different ideas that might help,” or “I’m looking for help and asking others to contribute to the solution.”
And also, “I’m taking time to relax because I don’t want to be constantly stressed out.”
Let him see you doing things to take care of yourself, in things you enjoy. Maybe even let him be part of that. You could say, “You know what I would really enjoy right now? A snuggle with you on the couch. What do you say?” Or play a game with him.
That way, he can see you coping and feel that connection with you.
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Why should you trust me?
I’m a clinical psychologist and the author of many books for parents and kids about children’s feelings and friendships. I’m also a mom of four grown children.