Why punching pillows doesn’t help kids manage anger

Teaching kids to handle anger in a way that builds connection

Punchable pillows. (Didgeman / pixabay)

Hi there,

You may have heard that when your child gets angry, it’s important to help them “let their anger out.”

You might even have heard advice that they should punch a pillow to vent their anger.

The thinking goes:
If they don’t release the anger, it will build up and they’ll explode.

The truth is that there’s not a shred of evidence that this is helpful. In fact, acting aggressively when we feel anger tends to rehearse and intensify those angry feelings.

In one classic study, college students received extremely harsh (and fake) feedback on an essay they’d written. Then they were split into three groups:

• One group hit a punching bag while thinking about the person who criticized them.

• Another group hit the punching bag while thinking about exercise.

• The last group just sat quietly for two minutes.

  Here’s what happened:

• The group that vented by focusing on their anger felt angrier and behaved more aggressively afterward.

• The distraction group felt a little less angry but not less aggressive.

• The quiet group? They were the least angry and aggressive of all.
  

If acting aggressively intensifies children’s anger, what are effective coping strategies we can teach our kids?

To help kids manage anger, it’s helpful to think about how emotions work.

Psychologist James Gross, in his process model of emotions, describes five points where we can intervene:

1. Situation Selection
   Choosing to enter or avoid situations that are likely to trigger certain emotions.

2. Situation Modification
   Changing something about the situation to reduce its emotional impact.

3. Attentional Deployment
   Shifting focus—by distracting yourself or concentrating on something else—to change how you feel.

4. Cognitive Change
   Thinking about the situation differently, or reassessing your ability to handle it.

5. Response Modulation

   Doing things to change the emotional reaction after it’s happened.

We can help children with every step of the emotion regulation process.

Let’s say your child gets angry at a sibling who knocked over their carefully built block tower. Every point in that chain, from the lead-up to the aftermath, is an opportunity for support.

For example:

1. Situation Selection might mean making sure your child isn’t already tired or hungry, which can lower their threshold for frustration.

2. Situation Modification could involve suggesting your child build the tower in a spot where it’s less likely to be disturbed.

3. Attentional Deployment might look like offering a snack or stepping outside to shift focus away from the fallen tower.

4. Cognitive Change could help your child see that their sibling didn’t mean to knock it over, or that they could rebuild it even better.

5. Response Modulation might mean guiding your child to take a deep breath then “use their words” to ask the sibling to be more careful or to help clean up.
   

The first four steps are considered antecedent-focused strategies, targeting the generation of emotions. The final step, response-focused regulation, happens after the emotion is in full swing.

It’s usually easier to manage emotions earlier rather than later in this process.

Seen this way, it makes sense why something like punching a pillow doesn’t actually help. It skips right past the situation, the thoughts, and the build-up, focusing only on the physical actions that have zero positive impact on the situation.

How Parents Can Teach Anger Management

So how do we teach our kids to manage their emotions, especially something as intense as anger?

Here are a few principles to keep in mind:

1. Put safety first.

When children are very angry, they may lash out in aggressive ways.

If you weren’t able to prevent the situation, the first step is helping your child step away to cool down. This also helps keep things from escalating further.

Children who are out of control need you to step in gently – but firmly – to make sure they don’t hurt someone or break things.

That calm intervention is the first step toward helping them regain control.

2. Talk things through.

Once your child has calmed down enough to think clearly, give them a chance to tell you what happened.

A study by Wainryb and colleagues found that just talking through an upsetting situation helped kids and teens feel less angry, not just in the moment, but even a week later.

Telling the story helps kids slow down and engage the thinking part of their brain.

Start with empathy by just echoing your child’s thoughts or feelings, so your child feels heard and comforted. Then, when you see the softening in your child’s face and body, you can ask questions to help them reflect and move forward:

• “What are some reasons she might have done that, besides trying to be mean?”

• “What could you say to him?”

• “How is she likely to react if you do that?”

• “What can we do to prevent this from happening again?”

• “What could you do to make things a little bit better right now?”

When we respond to anger with gentleness and compassion, we help kids feel safe enough to explore what happened and what they can do now or next time.

3. Model appropriate expression.

Annoyingly, children learn more from what we do than what we say. So, we have to do our best to set good examples for them.

If we respond to our own anger with yelling or being harsh, we’re teaching our kids that those reactions are acceptable ways to handle anger.

Of course, everyone feels angry sometimes. The goal isn’t to be perfectly calm all the time, but to show our kids that it’s possible to feel angry and still treat others with respect.

What real anger management looks like

Helping kids manage anger isn’t about snapping them out of it – it’s about teaching them how to understand the full experience of what they’re feeling and make good choices about how they want to respond to or communicate about their experiences.

That means helping them notice what’s going on around them, observing the full range of their feelings and the thoughts that contribute to them, and also considering how their actions might affect others.

The idea of “punching a pillow” suggests that anger is something to get rid of.

It’s not.

Anger, like all emotions, is a source of information about ourselves and our environment. Anger tells us we feel blocked or thwarted from getting what we want, or that something seems unfair. Anger can give us the energy to speak up or defend ourselves or others. But feeling angry doesn’t mean we get to lash out at anyone around us.

Sometimes kids complain, “I can’t help it! I can’t control my anger!” Feelings aren’t the same as behavior. Intense feelings can seem overwhelming, and all of us have less self-control when we’re tired or hungry. At the same time, if a friend or admired teacher were watching, chances are your child might feel angry but probably wouldn’t behave in hurtful ways.

Our job is to help kids recognize and understand their feelings, communicate about them, and respond in ways that make their lives better.

Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen