Why your kids hate saying sorry (and what to do)
2-min. video Q&A + transcript
Have you ever found yourself urging your child to apologize, only to be met with an eye roll, a reluctant mumble, or outright refusal?
Teaching kids to take responsibility for their actions and offer sincere apologies can seem like an uphill battle. But there’s a better way!
Transcript
Q: How do I teach my kids to apologize sincerely and take responsibility for their actions?
This is an interesting one because this is very much a parental value. We want our kids to take responsibility for their actions. But here's the thing: You and I can apologize pretty easily, right? Because we say, “Well, I did that one wrong thing, but overall, I’m a good person.”
Children, however, are black-and-white thinkers. So they feel totally bad. And when we demand an apology from them, they usually hear it as “Admit your badness!” Of course, that’s not what we want them to do!
Now some people say, “Don’t make them apologize because, unless it’s sincere, it doesn’t really matter.” Well, there’s one problem with that—at school and in the outer world, dealing with other people at daycare or at their activities, other people are going to expect them to apologize.
What I find helpful is to explain to kids that an apology is not about admitting their badness; it’s about expressing caring for the other person. I also find that the question, “What can you do to help them feel better?” can often prompt a spontaneous apology more than, “Tell them you’re sorry.”
So because they want to get back on track with being a good kid, if they can do an apology of action, that can also be useful. Let’s say they’re kind of frozen and don’t want to say any words. You may want to give them two choices: “What can you do to help them feel better? Do you want to get them some ice, or do you want to get them a drink of water?” So they have two choices of something they can do, and if it’s actions rather than words, that can be a starting point for a kid who really has trouble with it.
I am less concerned about them taking responsibility and more concerned about helping them move forward in good ways. So we want to get them back on track with being a kind kid, helping the other person feel better—that’s a good start. Or making a plan to prevent this from happening, whatever this is, the next time. That’s also a good way to get them back on track.
Looking for more ways to help your kids get along?
Apologies are an important part of friendships and sibling relationships, but forcing a 'Say sorry!' doesn’t always work.
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Why should you trust me?
I’m a clinical psychologist and the author of many books for parents and kids about children’s feelings and friendships. I’m also a mom of four grown children.