Beyond scorekeeping in children's friendships
Podcast Parent Note, Ep. 77
Podcast Parent Notes are an exclusive benefit for paid subscribers to the Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter. Learn how you can offer crucial support for your child to address the friendship challenges discussed in this week’s podcast!
Beyond score-keeping in children's friendships: Podcast Parent Note, Ep. 77
In this week’s Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast episode, Maya wonders what to do when her friend seems to like another friend better than her.
Here’s the link to the podcast episode, in case you missed it:
Research on adult relationships distinguishes between exchange versus communal relationships. Exchange relationships focus on reciprocal “I do this for you; you do that for me” interactions. There’s an expectation of fairness and explicit or implicit scorekeeping to make sure the give-and-take is equal. For example, coworkers in a carpool would expect each other to contribute their fair share of driving or gas money.
Communal relationships involve caring about each other’s well-being and offering help and support without expecting to be repaid. Although there is a hope that the caring will be mutual, there isn’t an expectation of direct or immediate reciprocation. For most people, communal norms represent the ideal for close relationships. In fact, when close relationships shift toward exchange norms, and partners keep track of what each person does for the other, it’s likely a sign that the relationship is in trouble.
For children, communal rather than exchange relationships are something they grow into. Young children are very concerned with fairness, by which they mean “fairness to me!” Kids ages 4-6 have strong expectations that if they do something kind for someone, that kid had better do the same thing back!
It’s not until around age 8 or 9 that kids are able to think in more communal ways about the other person’s happiness without expecting immediate payback. But sharing a friend is still not easy! Like Maya, they can feel betrayed when a friend spends time with someone else.
So, what can you, as a parent, do to promote a communal focus on relationships for your child? We can’t rush social and emotional development, but there are ways to encourage more generous views of others.