Hi,
Keeping score is deadly to a friendship or any close relationship. If kids are monitoring their friend’s actions, looking for unfairness, they’re going to find it.
In this week’s episode, Maya wonders what to do when her friend seems to like another friend better than her. Has she been replaced? She can’t magically make things go back to how they were before, so what can she do? Responding in constructive ways when we’re feeling hurt isn’t easy.
Have you or your kid even been in a situation like Maya’s where a friend liked another friend better? Please tell me about it! I love hearing comments from listeners/readers!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Don’t forget: Paid subscribers get Podcast Parent Notes that go deeper into the weekly podcast topic PLUS a coupon code for $20 off the monthly featured webinar. For October, that’s Emotion Coaching: Help Your Child Cope with Feelings
Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep 71 – Tali, Age 11 Is she a friend or not?
Ep. 4 - Thomas, Age 13: One friend feels left out
Ep. 51 – Saoirse, Age 8: Mean comment said behind her back
Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Dr. Friendtastic says, “A friend is not a birthday cake!” What does she mean by that? (Hint: Think about the difference between dividing a cake versus sharing a friend.)
Have you ever felt jealous of a friend’s other friend? How did you handle that?
What are some things you do to strengthen your friendships?
Why does Dr. Friendtastic say, “It’s not smart to have a ‘best friends or nothing’ attitude”? How could that attitude hurt you?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s hear today’s question:
Hi, I’m Maya, and I’m 8-years old. My question is, what you do when a close friend is now treating another friend nicer than you?
Hi, Maya. Thanks for sending in your question! Believing that your friend is nicer to someone else than she is to you is a difficult situation. I’m guessing you probably feel hurt, confused, and angry, and maybe also jealous or even betrayed. That’s understandable! It doesn’t feel good to be someone’s second choice, especially if you used to be her first choice!
Let’s start by talking about what would not help: It would not help to yell at your friend and insist, “You did that for her, so you have to do that for me, too!”
When we’re upset, it’s tempting to yell, accuse, and demand. But how do you think your friend would respond to that? Most likely, she’d feel angry and unfairly criticized. She might think you’re trying to control her. Yelling at her definitely won’t make her want to be closer to you!
Here’s another thing that wouldn’t help: Being mean to your friend’s friend. That would be both unkind and unfair. She didn’t do anything wrong!
So what can you do in this situation?
Well, you could start by reminding yourself that a friend is not a birthday cake!
With a birthday cake, if I take a big piece, that means you get a smaller piece. But that’s not how friendship works.
Your friend doesn’t have a limited amount of liking that has to be divided up between people. How much she likes someone else doesn’t cut down on how much she likes you!
What this means is that you don’t need to keep score by tracking what your friend does for you versus the other girl. That would just make you anxious and miserable, and it could hurt your friendship.
Instead, focus on all the things you’d normally do to strengthen your friendship: spend time with your friend doing fun things together, invite her to get together with you outside of where you usually see each other, be kind, be helpful, be interested in what she’s thinking, feeling, and doing, and show you’re happy to see her. None of this will make your friend dump the other girl, but it will remind her that she feels good when she’s with you, and it might help you and your friend grow closer.
Now you might be thinking, “But wait! Liking might not be limited, but time is. If she spends more time with someone else, then she’ll spend less time with me!”
That’s true, but you have two good options here: One option is you could accept that no one is available all the time. So, you could decide to enjoy the time you do have with your friend, and use some of the time you’re apart to get together with other friends you’d like to know better or enjoy doing things on your own or with your family.
The second option is you could try to befriend the other girl. That way, you might be able to join your friend and the other girl when they’re playing. If you end up liking the other girl, you’ll get a new friend plus more time with your old friend.
But what if your friend really does like the other girl more than she likes you? That’s disappointing, but it’s not smart to have a “best friends or nothing” attitude. You can’t control how much someone likes you, so you need to ask yourself an important question: Is this a good friendship for you? If she’s kind to you, and you enjoy each other’s company, then the friendship is worth continuing, even if it’s not perfect.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
Maya, Age 8: Friend is nicer to someone else