Hi,
At some point, some kid is likely to say or do something mean to your kid. And, at some point, your kid will probably say or do something mean to another kid. Friendship rough spots are common and unavoidable. The tricky part is figuring out how to get past them!
In this week’s episode, Isla wants to know what to do when someone is mean to her. The answer depends on the situation and her relationship with the other kid.
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. Due to problems with internet gremlins, I’m extending–until June 14, 2025–last month’s featured workshop: Kid Confidence, about building genuine self-esteem. Buy it now and get 2 exclusive bonuses:
Feelings First: A printable cheat sheet with go-to phrases to support your child emotionally
Kid Confidence Starts With You: A reflection tool to help you guide your child with more empathy
If you haven’t grabbed the workshop yet, now’s the time!
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 96 - Dealing with a bossy friend (Grace, Age 9)
Ep. 93 - Not invited to the party! (Alice, Age 6)
Ep. 89 - Getting in trouble (Noah, Age 7)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?
Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why is it a good idea to think about your role in the problem when you’re mad at someone?
How do you decide whether to try to solve a problem on your own or get a grown-up involved?
What does assertiveness mean? Why does it matter in a friendship?
When you’re mad at a friend, why is it important to ask for what you want them to do from now on?
Transcript
I heard about a funny teacher challenge recently: Towards the end of the school year, the teacher sits on a chair with their back to the students, who line up single file behind the teacher, so the teacher can’t see them. Then each student takes a turn saying something like “Good morning, Mrs. Smith” or “Can I go to the bathroom?” and the teacher has to guess which student is speaking. Most teachers do a very good job of this! Yay, teachers! How do you think your teacher would do with this challenge?
We each have a unique voice. It’s part of what makes us who we are! But we also have to learn to speak up in ways that make it easy for others to hear and understand us.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hello, my name’s Isla. I'm 5 years old. How do you talk to someone when they're being mean to you?
Hi, Isla. Thanks for sending in this very important question!
I don’t want anyone to be mean to you! But sometimes make people mistakes and do things you don’t like.
The first thing you want to do–and this is so difficult when we’re upset!–is to ask yourself, what’s my part in this problem? It’s easy to notice what other people did wrong. It’s harder to see our own mistakes.
Now, maybe the other person’s mean actions came out of nowhere, but maybe there’s some tiny way that you might have contributed to the problem. Maybe you accidentally said or did something that bothered the other person. That doesn’t excuse what they did, but it could mean there’s something you can do to change the situation! That might mean explaining or apologizing or just not doing whatever upset them anymore!
Next, consider your relationship with the other person. How well do you know them? How well do you normally get along? That could affect how you respond.
If you don’t know the person that well, you might choose to ignore their mean actions. Just pretend they don’t bother you and go about your day. You don’t want to be an entertaining target for their meanness, or they’ll do it more!
If the meanness keeps happening, you probably need to say something. If it’s a mean comment, you could shrug and say, in a bored tone of voice, “Okay.” Or, you could pretend it’s a compliment. Smile broadly, and say, “Thanks for noticing!”
If the meanness is physical, you could say, “Quit hitting me!” or “Get your hands off me!” Say it loudly, so everyone around you can hear. That will make everyone stare at the other kid and might make a teacher or other adult come running.
If you’re getting seriously hurt, or you’re scared of what might happen, you need to tell a grown-up what’s going on, so they can help you.
But what if the person doing the mean thing is also a friend? In that case, you want to aim for a kind of communication called assertiveness. Assertiveness means speaking up in a way that’s respectful of yourself and others.
A good example of assertiveness is using an “I” statement. I statements start with the word “I,” and they describe your thoughts or feelings. For instance, you could say, “I feel frustrated when I always have to play goalie” or “I don’t like it when you call me that.” I statements are easier for people to hear than accusations like “You always!” or “You never!” or “You’re so mean!”
I statements work best with people who care about your thoughts or feelings, rather than someone who’s trying to upset you.
After you’ve said an I statement, then, you need to ask for what you want, moving forward. Your friend can’t know what you want unless you tell them! So, you could say, “How about if we take turns being goalie?” or “From now on, could you please say my name right?”
Your tone of voice matters, too. Your friend will have an easier time hearing you if you talk in a calm voice instead of yelling.
Communicating clearly is an important part of every friendship. It helps us get past those unavoidable friendship rough spots! Speaking up assertively can help you get your message across in a way that strengthens your friendship.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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