Hi,
When someone is angry at us, there are things we can say to make the situation better or much, much worse. For some kids (and adults!) the impulse can be very strong to retaliate by throwing a verbal grenade when they encounter someone who is angry or critical. When kids know another way to respond, they have the option of moving the conversation in a constructive direction.
In this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, Noah is very frustrated when he gets in trouble at school. I tell him about an “angry person formula” he can use with an angry teacher, parent, or friend. It involves acknowledging at least a tiny piece of the other person’s concern and taking positive action.
Let me know what you think!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 52 - Tyler, Age 12: Friend's parents don't like him
Ep. 78 - How to confront a friend
Ep. 28 - Avni, Age 11: Dealing with spill-over anger
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?
Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
What are the three steps of the angry person formula?
Why is it a good idea to show someone who is angry with you that you understand (at least part of) their concern? (Hint: How are they likely to respond?)
What do you think is likely to happen if you argue with someone who is angry with you and tell them all the things they do wrong?
The last part of the angry person formula is about putting your words into action. Why is that important? (Hint: What does it show the angry person?)
Think of a time when you were angry with someone. How did they respond? How do you wish they had responded?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
Hi, my name is Noah. What if I get in trouble in school, and I don't even know I did it?
Oh, my goodness, Noah! You sound very frustrated! It’s no fun to get in trouble, and it’s especially hard if you feel like you’re being unfairly accused!
You don’t say exactly what happened. Maybe you and a friend were both fooling around, and the teacher got mad only at you. Or maybe someone told on you and got you in trouble for something you didn’t know was a problem.
Maybe you also felt embarrassed because the teacher scolded you in front of your classmates.
Now, you could argue with the teacher by saying, “It’s not fair! You didn’t say! He did it, too! And they did it worse!” But I think that would get the teacher more mad.
So, I’m going to teach you a special formula for dealing with an angry person that gives you the power to calm things down. You can use it with an angry teacher, or an angry parent, or even an angry friend. But it only works if you use it right away, and do it just the way I teach it to you.
Are you ready? Here goes.
Step One is to say, “You’re right.” Somewhere in the angry person’s big speech is a tiny kernel of truth that you can agree with. Do you know what a kernel is? It’s a little piece of corn. You don’t have to agree with everything, just look for a little bit you can agree with.
Saying “You’re right” gets their attention. But don’t stop there!
Right away, you need to do Step Two, which is to say, “I should have [blank].” The blank part is where you say what would have been a better choice. That shows you understand the angry person’s concern. Keep it positive, focusing on what you should have done, not what you shouldn’t have done.
Finally, Step three is to say, “I’ll do it now.” If you really can’t do it now, then say, “I’ll do it from now on,” but “I’ll do it now” is better because it lets you put your words into action right away.
Say it with me three times, so you remember the formula:
You’re right. I should have. I’ll do it now.
You’re right. I should have. I’ll do it now.
You’re right. I should have. I’ll do it now.
Let’s practice. I’ll be an angry person, and you listen and try to think of how you could use the formula.
OK, first I’ll be an angry parent: “You left your shoes in the middle of the walkway. Anyone could have tripped on them! How many times do I have to tell you? I shouldn’t have to pick up after you all the time!”
So, how could you use the angry person formula in this situation? You might say something like, “You’re right. I should have put my shoes in the basket. I’ll do it now.”
Wow! See that? You totally calmed things down because you acknowledged the angry person’s concern and took positive action, right away!
Let’s try a situation with an angry teacher: “I told you kids to work on your project, and instead you’re fooling around! You know the teachers next year aren’t going to put up with what I put up with!”
Yikes! Better use the angry person formula. Can you figure out a way to do it?
You might say, “You’re right. I should have been working on my project. I’ll do it now.” Poof! You handled things!
Let’s try one more, this time with an angry friend. “You told everybody my secret! You always blab! You’re a blabber! You’re mean!”
OK, so this is a tricky one because you can’t do anything now to un-tell a secret. Also, the friend is calling you names, and it’s really tempting to yell back and say mean things about the friend! But if you care about the friend, you might recognize that the friend is hurt as well as angry.
The angry person formula is probably your best bet to repair the relationship. You could say, “You’re right. I should have kept your secret private. I’ll be extra careful to do that from now on.” The formula helps you tell your friend that you understand their concern, and you plan to do better from now on.
You might be wondering, should you also apologize? Maybe, but if the other person seems very angry, it’s probably best to apologize after you use the angry person formula, so they know you really mean it.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
Share this post