I’ll get back to answering kids’ questions about friendship next week, but today’s podcast episode focuses on an issue that’s tricky for kids (and adults!): How do we confront a friend about a problem in the relationship?
Yes, simple “I” statements are useful, especially right when a friend’s misbehavior happens, but sometimes that’s not enough. How can we bring up an issue in a way that’s likely to bring positive change?
Check it out and please let me know what you think!
Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 73 - J.J., Age 11: Best friend suddenly stops playing with him
Ep. 43 - Beatrix, Age 8: Friend cuts her hair!
Ep. 65 - Bridget, Age 14: Handling a controlling friend
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Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
What does it mean to confront a friend about a problem? Have you ever had to do that? What happened?
How do you decide when to confront a friend about a problem and when to let it go?
Why do you think kids are sometimes afraid to confront a friend about a problem?
Why are refusing to talk to a friend and telling everyone except your friend what your friend did wrong NOT helpful strategies for solving a problem with a friend? What could you do instead?
Dr. Friendtastic said, “A good confrontation is not about…proving you’re good and they’re bad! It’s about building and repairing a friendship.” What does that mean?
Transcript
Hi, there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
I’ll get back to answering kids’ questions about friendship next week, but today, I want to talk about a common but tricky situation: figuring out what to say when a friend does something that upsets you.
No one is perfect, so it’s very likely that at some point your friend is going to do something you don’t like. Then what do you do?
If it’s not a big deal or it probably won’t happen again, you might want to say nothing. You can choose to let it go. You don’t have correct or comment on every mistake your friend makes! That would be annoying and unkind!
But if it’s something that upsets you a lot or happens often, you might need to say something.
Now, there are several things you could do that would make the problem worse:
Yelling at your friend, calling them names, or telling them they’re a terrible person is never going to get a good reaction from your friend!
Sulking and refusing to speak with your friend also won’t help because your friend might not know why you’ve suddenly cut them off. Not speaking also makes it harder to work things out.
Telling everyone you know except your friend about what your friend did wrong is also not helpful. That makes the problem bigger and doesn’t help solve it!
Confronting a friend means saying something directly to them about a problem with the goal of solving that problem. But how do you get your message across without wrecking the friendship?
Before you talk to your friend, think about what you hope your friend will do from now on. We can’t erase what’s already happened, but we can choose to move forward in new ways. If you’re not sure what you want your friend to do, you might not be ready to confront your friend.
Sometimes, a simple “I” statement is all you need: “I don’t like it when you do this. Please do that.”
More complicated situations require more thought. Try to imagine your friend’s point of view on whatever happened. This might be the last thing you want to do when you’re feeling upset about something your friend did, but if you can, it will make the confrontation go better. Try to think of some reasons, besides trying to be mean, why your friend might have done whatever it was.
Let’s say your friend blabbed your secret. Ouch! That’s very upsetting!
Unfortunately, your friend can’t un-blab a secret, but moving forward, she could be more careful to keep private things private.
Why do you think she blabbed? Well, maybe she was trying to hurt you, but probably not, if she’s a friend. Maybe she didn’t realize it was a secret! Maybe she thought the other kids already knew. Maybe it’s hard for her to remember to think before she acts. Imagining your friend’s perspective might help you feel a little less angry.
When you talk to your friend, try to speak calmly and make sure it’s just the two of you. You don’t want audience participation! Use what I call a soft criticism. Start by giving an excuse. The excuse shows you know your friend is a good person with good intentions, even when they mess up!
So, you might say, “I know you didn’t realize that was a secret…”
Next, describe the problem by saying what your friend did, and how it affected you in a bad way.
“When you told everyone my secret, it made me feel embarrassed and think I can’t trust you.”
Then, focus on moving forward. So, you might ask, “From now on could your please leave it to me to tell other people or not tell them about my secrets?”
And don’t forget to listen to what your friend says. There may be aspects of the problem you didn’t know about.
A good confrontation is not about taking someone down or proving you’re good and they’re bad! It’s about building and repairing a friendship.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
How to Confront a Friend