Bridget wonders how to deal with a friend who is being controlling.
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Is It Bullying or Ordinary Meanness? It was chosen as an “Editor’s Pick” by TED central!
Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
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Ep. 59 - Jessie, Age 13: Get rid of toxic friends?
Ep. 18 - Kai, Age 9: Building great leadership skills
Ep. 41 - Tessa, Age 9: Friends won't listen to stop or no
Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Have you ever had a controlling friend? If so, why do you think your friend was trying to control you? How did you handle it?
Has anyone ever told you that you were being bossy or controlling? If so, what happened? What are some signs that you might be pushing a friend too hard and need to stop?
Rigid thinkers tend to believe that there is “one right way” to do things. How could that hurt a friendship? (Hint: How might a friend feel if they want to do things differently?)
What does it mean to “agree to disagree”? Why is it sometimes good to do this in a friendship?
Transcript
Welcome! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Bridget. I'm 14. My question is, how do you handle someone who is controlling?
Hi, Bridget! Thanks for your question! You don’t say so, but I’m guessing you’re feeling pretty frustrated and even resentful toward this friend. Nobody likes to feel controlled!
So, HOW is she trying to control you? She probably isn’t using threats or physical violence. If she is, you should tell an adult right away to help you deal with it.
My guess is that she’s bossing you around and being insistent. She asks again and again. She keeps arguing and trying to persuade you. She gets mad or feels hurt if you don’t do what she wants.
It might be uncomfortable for you if you don’t go along with her wishes, but she can’t make you do something you don’t want to do. She also can’t prevent you from doing something you want to do. That’s important to keep in mind: No matter how much she argues, you are in charge of you.
But let’s step back and think about why she might be trying to control you.
One possibility is that she might be a rigid thinker. Sometimes kids–and adults–get stuck thinking that there is ONE RIGHT WAY. There’s almost never just one right way, but thinking there is can make people less accepting of other ideas or approaches.
If that sounds like your friend, it might help to acknowledge her point of view AND express yours. You could say something like, “You like it this way AND I like it that way.” Use the word “and” rather than “but” because one view doesn’t cancel out the other. They’re both true at the same time.
Next, you could either suggest a compromise, so you do partly what she likes and partly what you like, or you could say, “I guess we’ll just have to agree to disagree.” Then you both stop trying to convince each other and just accept that you see things differently.
Another possibility is that she tries to control you because she feels anxious. Maybe she’s afraid she’ll be embarrassed, or kids will think she’s uncool, if you don’t do things the way she wants. Or, maybe she wants to do something but she’s afraid to do it on her own, so she’s pressuring you to do it with her.
If this sounds like what might be happening, ask her directly, “What are you worried about?” or “Why is this important to you?” Once you understand her concerns, then you can decide what you’re willing to do in response.
A third possibility is that your friend doesn’t realize she’s being controlling and doesn’t understand how much her insistence bothers you. Maybe she enjoys arguing. Maybe she thinks pressuring you is funny or no big deal.
We can’t expect other people to read our minds. It’s not their job to know our limits. Your friend can ask you to do whatever she wants. It’s up to you to decide how to respond and what’s right for you.
You may need to say no to her, clearly, calmly, and confidently. You could say, “No, thank you.” or “No, I’m not comfortable doing that” or “I don’t want to do that, but I could do this for you.”
If she keeps pressuring you, you could tell her, “I said no. Please stop asking” or “I’ve made my decision. I’m done discussing this.” If she still won’t stop pressuring you, you may need to walk away for a bit. It’s important to listen to friends, but you don’t have to do that endlessly.
You are in charge of you.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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