Hi,
I grew up in Chicago, where icy winter conditions meant that a minor fender bender could end up turning into a pile up as more cars got involved. The same is true with friendship conflicts. Even when they intend to be helpful, having more voices and more opinions involved and taking sides makes a conflict bigger.
In today’s episode, Grace wonders what to do when her other friends want to weigh in on a conflict she has with a friend, but she’d rather they stay out of it!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. Don’t forget to check out this month’s featured workshop: Kid Confidence, about building genuine self-esteem.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 83 - One friend feels left out (Eloise, Age 8)
Ep. 78 - How to confront a friend
Ep. 73 - Best friend suddenly stops playing with him (J.J., Age 11)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?
Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
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Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Would you ever want to try phone booth stuffing? Why or why not?
Why is it a good idea to discuss a problem with a friend privately (with just the two of you)? (Hint: how might “audience participation” make the situation worse?)
Why do you think kids sometimes talk to a friend about a conflict they’re having with someone else? What are some ways that might be helpful? How could this make the problem worse?
Who do you confide in when you feel overwhelmed by a conflict or other problem? How does that person help you?
Transcript
In the olden days, before people had cell phones, there used to be these things called phone booths. They were glass and metal closets, about 3 feet by 3 feet by 7 feet tall (that’s 1 meter by 1 meter by 2 and a third meters tall, if you prefer metric), and they contained a public telephone that you put coins in to make a call.
A silly prank was to see how many people could fit into a phone booth. The phone booth stuffing record is 25 people. That sounds very uncomfortable! It also made it impossible to talk on the phone!
Too many people involved in a conflict can also feel very squishy.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Grace, and I'm 8 years old, and I have a question for you: What do you do if you and one of your friends are having a fight and then your other friends try to get involved?
Hi, Grace, thanks for sending in your question! That sounds like a very frustrating situation!
Let’s first try to imagine why your other friends might be trying to get involved in your conflict.
One possibility is that they’re just nosy, and they want to be in-the-know about whatever drama is happening. Just like watching a sports game, it can be exciting to watch an argument, judge who’s winning, and root for one side!
Another possibility is that they care about you, and they’re trying to be helpful. Their intention is kind, but having more people and more opinions involved in a conflict makes it bigger! Just like an over-stuffed phone booth, too many people squeezing into an argument gives you less room to move!
So, how can you handle this? Well, start by thinking about if you might have accidentally encouraged those people to get involved. If you really want to keep a conflict just between you and one other person, the simplest way to do that is to avoid discussing it with anyone else.
Keeping disagreements private can be a kind thing to do. Everyone makes mistakes, and no one likes to have their mistakes announced broadly! Telling other people what your friend did wrong might embarrass her or hurt her reputation.
Now sometimes, if you’re involved in a difficult conflict, you might want to talk it over with someone else to get emotional support or maybe some perspective or advice. That’s understandable, and it might be helpful, but think carefully about who you talk to and what you say. So you might decide to talk with one other person, who would keep it private, but not everyone you know.
If you decide to talk things over with someone who isn’t involved, you might want to focus on the observable facts of what happened, your role in the problem, and what you could do next. That’s more likely to be helpful than just complaining about the other person in the conflict or passing judgment on her by saying she’s bad or mean or stuck up. Name-calling is unkind. Also, we can’t control other people. We can only control what we do.
But what if you don’t want to talk about the conflict with anyone else but they want to talk about it with you and get involved or take sides?
In that case, you might need to tell them, clearly and politely, to back off. You could say, “I’d rather not talk about that” or “This is between me and her. It doesn’t involve anyone else.” If you think they’re trying to be kind, you could say, “Thanks for your concern. I know you’re trying to help, but this is something we need to handle ourselves.” If they keep asking, you can keep repeating that you don’t want to talk about it.
The best way to shut down unwanted conversations about the argument might be to talk directly to the other person in the conflict, so the two of you can work things out.
Try to find a private moment, so you don’t have audience participation! You might want to start by saying you’re sorry for whatever you did to contribute to the conflict and tell her what you’re going to do differently from now on. You might also want to explain how you felt when she did whatever upset you and ask for what you’d like her to do, moving forward.
Figuring out together how to move past a friendship rough spot could help your friendship become even stronger.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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