Hi,
The cold shoulder. Ignoring. Excluding. Refusing to interact.
Cut-offs can take many forms, and I hate them all.
Taking a short break to let tempers cool can be useful, especially if we tell someone why we’re stepping away and when we’ll be back. And, of course, we all have a right to choose whether we want to be friends with someone, but I think an abrupt and complete cut-off is cruel, arrogant, and dehumanizing. Refusing to speak to someone certainly isn’t a useful way to resolve anything, and it’s a very mean way to end a friendship.
On the flip side, dealing with conflicts and hurt feelings is difficult. Kids aren’t born knowing how to handle friendship rough spots, and sometimes, especially when they’re very upset, they respond in less-than-kind ways.
In this week’s podcast, J.J. feels hurt, angry, and confused because the kid he considered his best friend suddenly refuses to play with him. We can’t control what other people do, so J.J. needs to figure out whether this friendship rift is worth trying to repair, what he might have done to contribute to it, and what he’s willing to do to try to fix things.
Have you or your kid ever been on the receiving end of a cut-off? Let me know what you think!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Check out this FREE quiz: Is Your Child a Good Friend?
P.P.S. Paid subscribers now get Podcast Parent Notes that go deeper into the weekly podcast topic as well as a coupon code for $20 off the monthly featured webinar. For September, that’s Dealing with Feelings About Friends – For Kids!
Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 68 – Maya, Age 6: Friend runs away from her
Ep. 60 – Henry, Age 8: Friends invited but not him
Ep. 71 – Tali, Age 11: Is she a friend or not?
Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why is suddenly cutting someone off and refusing to speak with them NOT a good way to deal with conflicts?
Why does Dr. Friendtastic focus on what J.J. can do to move forward rather than what J.J.’s best friend did wrong? (Hint: Whose actions is J.J. in charge of?)
Have you ever apologized to a friend? If so, why? How did the friend respond?
Why is it sometimes hard for kids to apologize?
What are some ways to apologize well? What are some examples of a not-so-good apology?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
Hi. My name is J.J. and I'm 11 years old. And my question is, what do I do if my best friend all of a sudden stops playing with [me]?
Hi, J.J. Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that’s happening to you! My guess is that you’re feeling very hurt, angry, and also confused about why the person you think of as your best friend suddenly stopped playing with you!
Suddenly cutting someone off, with no explanation, is a mean thing to do. So, remember what this feels like, to be on the receiving end of a cut-off, and make sure you never do it to someone else!
But let’s focus on what you can do right now. We always want to start by trying to imagine the other person’s point of view. We may not agree with their perspective, but to solve a friendship problem, we need to try to understand how the other person sees things.
The most likely cause of a sudden cut-off is that your friend feels very hurt or angry. Is it possible that you might have accidentally done something that maybe seemed like no big deal to you, but it upset your friend a lot?
If you can think of something that you did that upset your friend, then you can apologize for it. A sincere apology is often the fastest way to resolve a conflict.
Sometimes kids don’t want to apologize because they think saying they’re sorry means admitting that they’re a terrible person and completely wrong, and the other person is completely right! But that’s not true. An apology expresses caring for the other person. I’m sure you weren’t trying to be mean to your best friend, so of course you’re sorry that your actions hurt him!
So then the question is, how and when should you apologize? Rolling your eyes and saying, “Sor-reeee!” is not a good apology. A good apology has the words “I’m sorry for…” Then you can say whatever it is you did, in a calm and serious way, so your friend knows you mean it. You could also explain what you’re going to do differently from now on.
What if you truly have no idea why your friend is mad? If you don’t know what you did, you could try saying to your friend, “It seems like I’ve done something to upset you. I don’t know what it is, but I’m very sorry for hurting your feelings. Can you tell me what the problem is so I can try not to do it again?”
It’s generally best to apologize at a time when it’s just you and your friend and no one else. If other people are around to give their opinions, it can make the situation more complicated.
Usually, the sooner you can apologize the better. But if your friend seems too mad to listen, you could try waiting one day. What if your friend still won’t listen? Then you might try sending a note.
But wait! What about the fact that your friend did the whole cut-off thing? Isn’t that worse than whatever it was you did? Shouldn’t your friend be apologizing to you?!
It’s possible that if you apologize first, then your friend will apologize back to you. But that might not happen.
So, you need to ask yourself some questions: Is it worth it to you to try to repair this friendship, even if the other kid never apologizes for what he did wrong? Can you forgive your friend for responding badly when he’s upset? Can you accept that your friend doesn’t seem to know much right now about how to handle friendship rough spots?
If it was a good friendship before, it’s probably worth trying to fix it now. Your friend won’t respond well if you insist, “Your turn! You have to apologize to me, now!” That could make it seem like your didn’t mean your apology and just said it to get your friend to apologize.
You don’t have to insist on getting an apology back, but it would probably be a good idea to ask for what you want, moving forward. This could strengthen your friendship and prevent this kind of misunderstanding. You could say, “From now on, if you get upset with me, could you please talk to me about it instead of just not playing with me?” No guarantees, but asking for what you want makes it more likely you’ll get it!
What if your friend won’t accept your apology and still wants nothing to do with you? Well, at least you’ll know you did everything you could to try to repair that friendship.
Maybe sometime in the future, you’ll both forget about this rough spot, and you’ll reconnect. When your friend seems less angry, you could try just playing with him. That might start up the friendship again. In the meantime, go hang out with some other kids who want to play with you.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
J.J., Age 11: Best friend suddenly stops playing with him