Hi,
It’s always so striking to me the way kids’ questions about friendship reflect the same issues that adults face. In this week’s podcast, Maya wants to know what to do when her friend runs away from her. In adult relationships, people don’t usually physically run away, but they do run away emotionally. In fact, there’s a “Demand-Withdraw” pattern that’s linked to lots of bad outcomes in adult marital/romantic relationships (e.g., Papp et al, 2009, Prager et al., 2017).
Obviously, refusing to talk to someone is a terrible way to solve a conflict. On the flip side, pursuing someone who’s not ready or willing to talk won’t work, either. Relationships are complicated, so most adults have played both roles, at some point.
With adults, the antidote to the destructive Demand-Withdraw pattern usually involves more empathy for the partner and softer communication. When the withdrawer needs a break, they can say when they’ll be back, ready for the conversation, so the partner doesn’t feel abandoned. When the demander needs to bring up an issue, they can try to do it gently, without accusations, so the partner doesn’t feel attacked, and the conversation is easier to tolerate. It’s not easy on either side.
Listen to hear a kid version of how to deal with this pattern.
I’d love to hear your thoughts!
Warm wishes,
Eileen
P.S. If you haven’t already, please watch and share my TEDx talk:
Is It Bullying or Ordinary Meanness? It was chosen as an “Editor’s Pick” by TED central! (They changed the title to Conflict Resolution on the Playground.)
Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 32 - Tara, Age 12: Friend is pulling away
Ep. 45 - Reid, Age 5: Gets angry at classmates
Ep. 60 - Henry, Age 8: Friends invited but not him
Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Have you ever been in a situation like Maya’s, where someone was running away from you? Have you ever run away from someone? What happened?
Why does Dr. Friendtastic suggest NOT chasing a friend who is running away (unless it’s a fun game of tag!)? (Hint: What should you look for in a friendship?)
Why do you think kids sometimes avoid discussing problems? How might that hurt a friendship? What could friends do to make problem discussions easier? (Hint: What are things you could say or avoid saying to make a conflict less painful?)
Why might it be a good idea for the person who is LEAST wrong to apologize first?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Maya. I'm 6 years old what do I do when my friend runs away from me and ignores me at recess
Hi, Maya, thanks for sending in your question. Ouch! I’m guessing having your friend run away from you and ignore you at recess hurts your feelings, and maybe also makes you mad! Unless you’re playing tag, running away from someone is not a kind thing to do!
My first thought about your situation is: If someone is running away from you, don’t chase her!
There’s a common but painful communication pattern called The Demand-Withdraw Pattern. This happens when one person in a relationship tries to talk about a problem while the other person tries to avoid talking about it. The more the Demander demands, the more the Withdrawer withdraws. And, the more the Withdrawer withdraws, the more the Demander demands. That’s kind of a tongue twister, but the result is that both people end up feeling hurt and unheard.
In your case, I think the more you chase your friend, the more she’s going to run away from you. This isn’t a good way to resolve conflicts, but she’s showing you she wants space, so let’s think about what you can do besides chasing her.
It’s always worth trying to imagine the other person’s point of view. Why do you think she’s running away from you? You call her your friend, so I’m assuming she doesn’t usually do mean things. I’m guessing she’s feeling mad at you.
Do you have any idea why that might be? You probably don’t know for sure because she’s running away and ignoring you! But I wonder if you can guess why she’s upset, even if you don’t agree with how she sees things.
You could just wait and do nothing. Maybe, if you’re not chasing her, after she gets a bit of time and space for her temper to cool, she’ll want to come to you.
There’s one thing you could do that might help her to come back to your friendship. An advice columnist, named Dear Abby, had a very interesting tip: She said, in a conflict, the person who is least wrong should apologize first.
Why might that be a good idea? Logically, it seems like the person who is most wrong is the one who most needs to apologize. But an apology might be easier to give for the person who is least wrong. I’m sure you didn’t mean to upset her, so why not apologize, as a gesture of caring? That can be a step toward reconnecting.
She might stop running if you apologize, or, if she won’t listen, you could try giving her a note with an apology.
If she refuses to accept your apology–or you can’t think of anything you could apologize for–don’t chase her. Find someone else to play with. I want you to be hanging out with kids who enjoy your company and want to be with you.
Maybe if you step back, you’ll make room for your friend to step forward. If your friend starts talking to you again, great, be friendly. Part of being a good friend is being able to move past friendship rough spots.
But if she continues to stay away, you’ll know you have other options.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
Maya, Age 6: Friend runs away from her