Hi,
Self-control isn’t easy, even for adults! But it’s an important part of getting along with others. In this week’s episode, Alex asks about self-control with his iPad. I talk about three strategies that help us make wise and kind choices in our own lives and with friends.
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. Check out this month’s featured online workshop: Parenting in Difficult Times.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 53 - How to stay calm when someone is bragging (Lillian, Age 11)
Ep. 52 - Friend's parents don't like him (Tyler, Age 12)
Ep. 70 - Knowing when and how to stop (Owen, Age 8)
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Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
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a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Think of a time when you were able to do what was right even though you were tempted to do something else. How did you do that? What helped you have self-control?
Why do you think it’s sometimes hard to have self-control?
Dr. Friendtastic mentioned three strategies for self-control: 1) change the situation, 2) replace the behavior (do something else), and 3) use self-talk. Which do you think is the easiest strategy to use? Which have you found to be the most helpful?
Think of an area in your life where you’d like to have more self-control. (Hint: It could be related to a bad habit you have or something you’ve done in the past that has caused problems in your relationships.) If you were going to use self-talk to give yourself a pep talk about doing the right thing in this area from now on, what would you say to yourself
Transcript
There’s a famous experiment in psychology called The Marshmallow Test. The test involved researchers giving a little kid a marshmallow and saying, “If you wait and don’t eat it until I come back, then you’ll get two marshmallows!” Then they left the kid alone with the marshmallow for 15 minutes.
In this situation, most kids immediately gobbled up the marshmallow. But some kids were able to wait and got the second marshmallow.
In regular life, we often face situations where we have to wrestle between doing what we feel like doing right now, which may not be a wise or kind choice, versus doing what we know is good in the longer run. In this episode we’ll talk about some secrets to self-control!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Alex, and I’m 10 years old. I have a question that I want to ask Dr. Friendtastic. It is: How can I combat my urges, for example going on my iPad when I’m not supposed to? Thank you
Hi, Alex! Thanks for sending in your question! So, what you’re asking about is self-control, which means making wise choices about what we do, and also delayed gratification, which means being able to wait to get what we want.
You’re talking about these topics in terms of your iPad, but they’re also very relevant for friendship.
Knowing the wise or kind thing to do doesn’t mean it’s always easy to do that! Logically, you know that if you use your iPad when you’re not supposed to, your parents will probably give you less access to it later. They might even take it away for a while! But, oh, it’s so tempting to grab it anyway!
In the same way, with friends, we know we’re supposed to use kind words, wait our turn, control our bodies so we don’t hurt anyone, avoid gossiping or telling secrets or taking things that don’t belong to us… The list of what we know we’re supposed to do goes on and on, and all of it makes so much sense! But sometimes, especially if we’re feeling frustrated or hurt or even super excited the temptation is very strong to ignore what we know and do the wrong thing, anyway!
So, how do we make it easier for ourselves to make better choices?
Changing the situation is often the easiest path toward self-control. In the marshmallow study, some kids hid the marshmallow, so they were less tempted to eat it! With your ipad, putting it away so it’s not just sitting there, in easy reach, calling to you, might make it easier for you to follow the rules.
With friends, hanging out with kids who bring out the best, not the worst, in you could make it easier to be your best self. So, if you tend to get in trouble for talking when you sit next to a certain kid, or you often get angry when you play with a certain group because they tease you, you might have an easier time if you choose to be with someone else.
It's usually easier to replace a behavior than to stop it. Some kids were able to avoid eating the marshmallow by doing something else, like singing or even taking a nap!
If you know you shouldn’t be on your ipad at a certain time, what could you do instead? Maybe build something with Legos or go outside or find someone to play with. If you find a fun activity to do, you won’t even be thinking about the iPad!
What about with friends? Well, let’s say you have a hard time staying calm when you get out in games of gaga ball. Maybe you could find something else to play for a while, until you think you’re ready to handle that.
Or, suppose kids get mad at you and keep telling you to stop tapping your pencil or whistling. What could you do instead? Maybe you could draw with your pencil or count your teeth with your tongue.
A third strategy that can help with self-control is self-talk. Self-talk is our inner voice, our thoughts about ourselves and what’s going on around us. So, when you’re tempted to use the iPad but you know you shouldn’t, you could think about why you want to follow the rules and what will happen if you don’t.
You could also give yourself a little pep talk, reminding yourself that you can do hard things, or that it won’t be too long until you can use the iPad.
You might want to make your self-talk more visible by writing what you want to do and your reasons for doing it on a little note and sticking it somewhere you’ll see it, to remind you to do the right thing.
With friends, when you’re tempted to do something you know isn’t kind, you could take a breath, let it out, and use self-talk by thinking about, not what they deserve, but what kind of person you want to be!
Self-control is difficult! Even adults struggle with it. If you slip and make a mistake, try not to be too hard on yourself. Just do what you can to make the situation right, maybe apologize, if you need to, and make a plan for what you want to do next time and how you’re going to do it!
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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