Hi,
At least 80% of my clinical psychology practice involves treating anxiety. According to the CDC, 11% of children ages 3-17 have a current, diagnosed anxiety disorder. Anxiety is a typical response to doing something new or challenging. It can help focus our attention or anticipate problems. But sometimes anxiety can interfere with us doing what we want or need to do.
In this week’s episode, I talk about how to cope with anxiety, so it doesn’t hold us back.
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. Did you see the announcement about the Moody Moody Cars - Summer Car-Spotting Challenge?! So much fun! So many prizes!
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 102 - How to express your feelings with friends (Aida, Age 5)
Ep. 95 - Handling embarrassing moments (Sara, Age 7)
Ep. 12 - Kid bullies him at recess (Adrian, Age 9)
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Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
What were you afraid of when you were younger but aren’t afraid of now? How did you become unafraid of that?
Think of a time when you felt anxious in a social situation. What thoughts were going through your mind (i.e., what were you afraid might happen)? How did you handle the situation?
Dr. Friendtastic said, “Feeling anxious can lead them to avoid social situations, but that guarantees they’re not going to build the friendships they want.” How could you explain that in your own words?
There are two main ways to cope with anxiety: Jump right in or go in toe-by-toe. Which do you generally prefer and why?
Transcript
What scares you?
According to one study, about four out of every ten kids are at least a little bit afraid of animals. About three out of ten are afraid of the dark, and two out of ten are afraid of monsters.
As kids get older, they tend to become less afraid of things like monsters and more worried about social situations, like being around people they don’t know well or speaking up in class.
In this episode, we’re going to talk about anxiety, and how it can impact friendship. Stay tuned.
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
Hi, my name is Katie, and I’m 7 years old. I have a question: Why do some kids get more anxious than other kids? Thank you.
Hi, Katie! Thanks for sending in your question! Everyone feels anxious sometimes! Anxiety is that nervous, jittery feeling that happens when you wonder, “What if something bad happens?” Fear is a response to something specific that’s happening right now. Anxiety is similar to fear, but it tends to be more vague and long-lasting, focused on things that could happen.
Some kids are born with a tendency to feel more anxious, more often. Some kids develop anxiety because of difficult experiences they’ve had. Either way, the important thing to understand is that you don’t have to stay stuck feeling anxious!
How do you feel when you first jump into a pool? Usually, your reaction is, “Ohmigosh, the water’s freezing!” But what happens if you stay in the water? You get used to it! Does the water temperature change? No! What changes is your perception of the water–how it seems to you.
Anxiety works the same way. If you approach a situation you’re anxious about (that’s not actually dangerous), and you stay in it or do it a bunch of times, you’ll get used to it. It will seem easier to handle.
A related principle is: No amount of standing by the edge of the pool will help you get used to the water. So if you avoid the situations you’re anxious about, it’s not going to get any easier to face them.
Now the type of anxiety that’s most relevant for friendship is what’s called social anxiety. This happens when kids are anxious about being around other kids, especially ones they don’t know well, because they’re afraid of doing something wrong or dumb and being laughed at or rejected.
Maybe they’ve had a bad experience in the past, where kids were mean to them, so they’re afraid of that happening again. Maybe they feel awkward or shy or don’t know how to connect with other kids. Feeling anxious can lead them to avoid social situations, but that guarantees they’re not going to build the friendships they want. And the more they avoid them, the scarier those situations will seem. Withdrawing from others can even turn into a habit.
So, what could you do if you want to become less anxious in social situations? Well, you could just jump in! Go to that club meeting or lacrosse try-out or class party even though you feel anxious! It probably won’t be as hard as you think it will be, and with practice, it will likely become easier.
Or, if you want to get used to the water toe-by-toe, that’s fine. I’m definitely a toe-by-toe person myself. You could start small, maybe by offering friendly greetings to people you know, and work your way up to talking with them, playing with them, and eventually inviting them to do something with you.
It might also help to get some guidance from a caring adult about what you could do or not do that might help you connect with other kids. For instance, to give a friendly greeting, you should start by looking the person in the eyes, or, if that’s uncomfortable, you could look them in the forehead, between the eyebrows. Then you should smile to show you’re happy to see them, say hi, and say their name to make the greeting personal. You might want to practice this with family members before trying it out with other kids.
Anxiety is not a stop signal. It’s a sign you’re doing something new and challenging. Good for you! That’s how we grow!
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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