Hi,
Some kids are very physical in their play: chasing, wrestling, pretend fighting. Others prefer calmer styles of playing: board games, video games, bike riding, crafts. Either way is fine, as long as no one gets hurt.
In this week’s episode, Liam wants to know how to be friends with someone who hits and kicks him. I talk about the difference between play fighting and real fighting, plus how to stand up for himself and when to walk away.
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. Due to problems with internet gremlins, I’m extending–until June 14, 2025–last month’s featured workshop: Kid Confidence, about building genuine self-esteem. Buy it now and get 2 exclusive bonuses:
Feelings First: A printable cheat sheet with go-to phrases to support your child emotionally
Kid Confidence Starts With You: A reflection tool to help you guide your child with more empathy
If you haven’t grabbed the workshop yet, now’s the time!
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 99 Best friend makes a big mistake! (Rosetta, Age 5)
Ep. 74 - Friend hits her! (Aubrey, Age 6)
Ep. 70 - Knowing when and how to stop (Owen, Age 8)
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Send in your child’s question!!!
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Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Play fighting or rough-and-tumble play can come in many forms: wrestling, tag, pretend sword fights, snowball fights… How do you feel about those? Why do some kids like play fighting?
What are some differences between play fighting and real fighting?
What are some good reasons to talk about a problem with a friend when it’s actually happening? What are some good reasons for discussing a problem at a neutral time, when it’s not happening?
How and why should your goal shift if you’ve asked a kid to stop doing something, but they don’t stop? (HINT: What should you focus on, instead?)
Transcript
Have you and a friend ever had a pretend sword fight using pool noodles? Have you ever had a snowball fight or a water balloon fight?
Pretend fights can be fun and exciting. Real fights are not fun. Can you tell the difference between pretend fights and real fights?
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
Hi, my name is Liam. I'm 9 years old I want to know how to be friends with someone they do so much physical violence against you like punching and kicking.
Hi, Liam. Thanks for sending in your question! Yikes! I’m so sorry to hear that you’re getting punched and kicked! That sounds painful. My guess is that you’re feeling mad and also maybe scared about getting hurt.
I have a question for you: Do you think this friend is trying to do play fighting or real fighting?
In play fighting, kids are using their bodies, but they’re not trying to hurt anyone. If they hit or push, they’re not doing it hard. There might be lots of yelling and ferocious roars, but there’s also a lot of smiling and laughing. Play fighting happens between kids who like each other, they take turns “attacking” and being “attacked,” and they want to hang out together afterward.
Real fights are very different. In real fights, kids are angry or crying. They’re trying to hurt each other. They don’t like each other, and they don’t want to hang out afterward.
So, what do you think is happening between you and this other kid? Play fighting or real fighting? You said you want to be friends with him, so I’m guessing that maybe he’s trying to do play fighting with you, but maybe he’s taking it too far.
Research finds that about four out of ten boys don’t enjoy play fighting. If you think this kid is trying to be friendly but just playing in a way you don’t like, it’s important to tell him that. Otherwise, if you say nothing, he’s going to assume you don’t mind what he’s doing, and he’ll keep doing it.
One way to talk with him about the problem is to say something in the moment it happens. Say it right away. If he does something even slightly rough, you could say in a loud voice, “Stop hitting me! I don’t like it!” You need to say this firmly with a serious or even angry face, so he knows you mean it. If there’s an adult around, that could make them come running over to deal with the situation.
Now, the tricky thing is that saying, “Stop! Stop! Stop!” in an exaggerated way can sometimes be part of the game in play fighting. So, if he doesn’t stop right away, you need to tell him, again, “I mean it! Quit hitting me! I don’t like it.”
If he still doesn’t listen after two firm requests, then he’s probably not going to listen, so you need to shift your goal from trying to change what he’s doing to taking care of yourself. Walk away. Go stand near an adult, if you can. You don’t have to stick around and be hurt! That’s not right.
Another way to talk about the problem is at a neutral time, when the problem is not happening. You could say something like, “I know you’re just trying to have fun, but I really don’t like play fighting. I always get hurt. Let’s do something else, instead.” Then suggest an activity you’d both enjoy. If he argues or makes excuses, repeat yourself and say, “I’m serious. It’s not fun for me to be around you when you’re hitting me. Please don’t do that anymore.”
The advantage of talking at a neutral time is that it may be easier for him to pay attention and hear you. Be ready to listen to him, too, if he says he wants you to stop doing something.
What if you’ve tried talking to this kid both in the moment and at a neutral time, and he still insists on play fighting with you? Or what if it’s not play fighting, and he’s doing real fighting, trying to hurt you because he’s mad at you or doesn’t like you? In both cases, he’s showing that he doesn’t care about how you feel or what you want, so the wisest thing to do might be to find other friends. You don’t have to accept having someone hurt you. Please take care of yourself! That might mean getting an adult involved.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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