Hi,
How do we make sense of someone who acts one way in one situation and another way in a different situation? That’s the tricky dilemma that Charlotte wonders about in this week’s podcast episode. Maybe they’re a fake friend, or maybe something else is going on. Considering various possibilities gives us more options for how to respond.
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. Check out this month’s featured online workshop: Parenting in Difficult Times.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 71 - Is she a friend or not? (Tali, Age 11)
Ep. 60 - Friends invited but not him (Henry, Age 8)
Ep. 26 - Friendship doesn't have to be all or nothing (Abigail, Age 10)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?
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Send in your child’s question!!!
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Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Think of two situations involving other people where you act differently (e.g., at home vs. at school, with close friends vs. casual friends, at a party with friends vs. at a party with your grandparents). How and why do you act differently in these two situations?
Not every friend will be a close friend. What are some good reasons to have casual friends?
Have you ever felt uncomfortable around people you didn’t know well? What did you do? What could someone have done in that situation to help you feel more comfortable? Have you ever done that for someone else?
Dr. Friendtastic often talks about many possible reasons why someone might have done something, other than trying to be mean. Why is this a good thing to do when you have a problem with a friend? (HINT: How might it affect how you respond?)
Transcript
We humans like to put things in mental boxes. Was it a good movie or a bad movie? Is it a cool shirt or an ugly shirt? Was it a yummy dinner or a yucky dinner?
But people often don’t fit easily into one mental box or another. “Are they a friend or not a friend?” can sometimes be hard to answer!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, I’m Charlotte, I’m 7 years old. I’d like to know how you get a friend to be nice to you when it's just you and them.
Hi, Charlotte. Thanks for sending in your question. If I’m understanding correctly, it sounds like your friend is nice to you when you’re in a group together with your other friends, but not when it’s just the two of you.
This is a tricky situation! Let’s think about some possible explanations for why she might act this way.
Maybe she straight up doesn’t like you. That’s possible–not everyone is going to like us!–but you call her a friend, and you imply she’s nice when your other friends are around, so I’m going to guess that disliking you is not the problem.
If she’s mean to you when your other friends aren’t around, that’s not okay! But maybe she doesn’t realize you don’t like whatever she’s doing. In that case, it’s important to tell her you don’t like it and ask for what you want her to do instead. If she doesn’t listen after you’ve asked a couple of times, you might decided you’re only going to hang out with her when you’re in a group.
Another possibility is maybe she doesn’t know you very well. So, what you’re seeing as “not nice” might just be “not comfortable.”
If that’s the case, there are things you could do to help her feel more comfortable around you. You could be extra friendly, to show her that you like her and want to spend time with her. You could ask What and How questions to get to know her better. You could do small kindnesses, like sharing or helping or complimenting her. You could think of fun things to do together and invite her to join you. You could even invite her over for a one-on-one playdate! With time, these actions will likely help her feel more comfortable around you and probably like you more.
Another possibility is that maybe she only wants to be a casual friend with you. Maybe she likes you enough to want to hang out with you in a group, but she’s not interested in building a closer, one-on-one friendship with you. Maybe she thinks you don’t have much in common, or maybe she has enough close friends right now. That might be disappointing for you, but casual friends are still good. You can still have fun together in a group.
Being friends doesn’t have to be all-or-nothing, meaning she’s either a friend or not a friend. We can have many types of friends. For instance, you might have a bus stop friend, who just makes those minutes waiting for the bus a little more pleasant. You might have a math class friend, a soccer friend, a neighbor friend, a cousin friend… You might feel closer to some of these friends than others, but they all enrich your life!
So, if she only wants to be a group friend with you, then let yourself enjoy that! And, who knows, maybe at some point you’ll become closer friends, or maybe you’ll just stay casual friends.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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