Hi,
Children hear this often, but it’s probably the least useful friendship advice out there: “Just be yourself!”
Uh…what does that even look like? Aren’t we always ourselves, just by definition? What aspect of one’s self should be put forward?
The intention behind this advice is supportive. “You are lovable just as you are!” is an important message for kids (and all of us)!
In this week’s episode, inspired by Charlotte’s question, I explore the idea of being true to oneself and how this relates to fitting in.
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. Did you see the announcement about the Moody Moody Cars - Summer Car-Spotting Challenge?! So much fun! So many prizes! Hurry! The challenge ends July 31, 2025.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 44 - Change self to make friends? (Vera, Age 8)
Ep. 95 - Knowing when and how to stop (Owen, Age 8)
Ep. 12 - Get rid of toxic friends? (Jessie, Age 13)
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?
Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
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Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
What is different between the current you vs you three or four years ago? What is still the same?
What do you think it means to “be yourself”?
In what situations have you felt less like yourself? Why?
Why is just walking up to someone and telling them everything about you not a good strategy for making friends or fitting in? (Hint: How is that likely to feel if you did that?)
When have you experienced the cozy kind of fitting in?
Transcript
Think of yourself three or four years ago. What were you like? What were your interests and favorite activities?
How do you feel when you think about your younger self? Maybe you squirm a little with embarrassment. Maybe you look back with amusement and think your younger self was pretty cute.
Either way, my guess is that you’ve changed a lot in three or four years. You’re not only taller, you also probably think and act a lot differently than you did back then. But despite all those changes, you’re still you! What hasn’t changed about you in the past three or four years?
And how does your changing yet stable self affect your friendships? Take a listen!
(Music & Intro)
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ. Each week, on the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, I answer a question from a kid about making and keeping friends.
If you have a question you’d like me to answer, you can send it in at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
Hi, my name is Charlotte. I’m 11 years old. My question is: How do I fit in by being myself?
Hi, Charlotte! Thanks for sending in this interesting question! To answer your question, we need to break it into two parts. Let’s start with the end part, which is about “being yourself.” What do you think that means?
What makes you “you”? Each of us has a self that’s like a sparkly gem with many facets. So, your family background and culture are part of who you are. Where you live and who you hang out with, what you like or dislike doing, what makes you feel scared, or curious, or annoyed…these are all aspects of you!
But unlike a gemstone, you are constantly growing and changing. So, every time you learn something, or gain new abilities, or have new experiences, you’re expanding your self! That’s why you seem so different now compared to three or four years ago. You’ve grown as a person, as well as in height!
What about the first part of your question, which is about fitting in? What does that mean?
There are two main kinds of fitting in. One kind of fitting in is about acting a certain way in order to be accepted. For example, if your family gets together with older relatives you don’t see often, you might dress up and be extra careful with your manners. You would try not to do loud burps at the table. You would not announce that their home smells weird. And if they give you an itchy sweater as a present, you’d smile and say thank you because it was nice of them to think of you, even though you will never put that sweater on your body.
This kind of fitting in is sometimes necessary with people we don’t know well, but it takes a lot of effort. It’s not about being fake; it’s about using good judgment about what we share and behaving in ways to help others feel comfortable.
If we never move past this super polite kind of fitting in, we end up feeling very disconnected because there’s a lot of ourselves that we’re holding back. But with effort and time, the relationship might soften into the second kind of fitting in.
The second kind of fitting in feels cozy, like being wrapped in a soft, warm blanket. This kind of fitting in doesn’t happen instantly. It comes from knowing people well and believing that they know and value you. The more you have in common with other people, the easier it is to build this cozy type of fitting in.
So, putting it all together, how do you fit in by being myself? The answer is: pick the right people and build the closeness bit by bit by getting to know them and sharing your thoughts and feelings.
You can’t just walk up to someone and say, “I’m going to tell you everything about me so I can fit in!” Good relationships are two-sided. You need to learn about others while also helping them learn about you. You share a little, then they share a little. They share a little, then you share a little. And you do things together to build your connection. Each of you is testing the waters to see, “Are we a good fit?”
Even with friends you’ve known for a while, you have to keep sharing back-and-forth and doing things together because you’re both constantly changing. You’re growing, and your friendships can grow, too.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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