Hi,
The actor and writer Carrie Fisher once said that the saddest words in the English language are “What party?”
Ouch.
Feeling left out–excluded from the fun that everyone else seems to be having–is painful. And almost everyone will experience being the odd one out at some point.
In this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, Alice wants to know what to do when her good friend doesn’t invite her to a party. Obviously, that’s not a kind thing to do, but is it a friendship ender? How can Alice figure out what to do? Listen and tell me what you think!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 52 - Tyler, Age 12: Friend's parents don't like him
Ep. 24 - Olivia, Age 13: Some friendships have limits
Ep. 90 - Alma, Age 7: Friend breaks a promise
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?
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Send in your child’s question!!!
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Send in YOUR kid’s question to be featured on the podcast!
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Have you ever felt left out? What happened? How did you handle it?
Why is it hard to try to imagine someone else’s point of view when we’re mad at them? Why is it important to do that anyway?
Dr. Friendtastic mentioned some reasons why Alice’s friend might not have invited her, such as a small guest list or a recent argument. What are some other possible reasons the friend might not have invited her?
If you were in Alice’s situation, and a good friend didn’t invite you to a party, would that be a friendship-ender for you or do you think you would try to work things out?
Transcript
I love parties! How about you? Yummy food! Fun activities! Hanging out with friends! What’s not to like? But what if you’re not invited to a party?
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author a nd clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, you can send in your question at DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Here’s today’s question:
Hello, Dr. Friendtastic. My name is Alice, and I'm 6 years old, and here's my question: What shall I do if my very best friend doesn't invite me to her party?
Oh, dear! I’m so sorry to hear you weren’t invited, Alice! That stings! Especially because the party girl was someone you consider your very best friend! I’m guessing you felt hurt, rejected, left out, and probably also angry!
Let’s try to imagine your friend’s point of view. This is super hard to do when you’re upset, but it’s important because it will help you decide what to do next. What are some reasons that might explain why she didn’t invite you?
Maybe your friend’s parents told her she could only invite family members to her party. In that case, the lack of invitation says nothing about how she feels about you. It’s disappointing but not personal, so you can just move on.
Or, maybe she was only able to invite one or two friends, and she chose someone other than you. Maybe she likes you, but you’re not as close as you thought. That’s hard. Nobody likes to be the second- or third- or eighth-choice companion!
If she thinks of you as a good friend but not her very best friend, would this still be a good friendship for you? Do you have fun together? Is she kind to you in other ways? If so, then the friendship is probably worth continuing, even though you’re feeling hurt about not being invited to her party.
Still another possibility is maybe the two of you had an argument just before the party, and she was still feeling angry, so she didn’t invite you. That’s not kind or helpful, but it’s sort of understandable… I’m sure she wanted to have a fun party, and maybe your recent interactions hadn’t been fun, so she decided not to invite you.
If you think it was an argument or something you accidentally did that upset your friend and led her to decide not to invite you, then your best plan may be to try to repair the friendship. You might want to apologize to her and say what you’re going to do differently from now on. You might want to be extra kind to her to try to get your friendship back on track. Maybe you could invite her to do something fun with you so she knows she matters to you!
What if you have absolutely no idea why she didn’t invite you? That’s tricky. On the one hand, it’s her party, so it’s her choice who she invites. On the other hand, it’s hard to fix a problem if you don’t know what it is!
It might make sense to try to talk with your friend to understand what’s going on. Don’t walk up to her when lots of kids are around and angrily demand, “Why didn’t you invite me?!” That would come across as aggressive, and she wouldn’t respond well!
Instead, try to find a private moment. Use “I” statements, rather than “You always!” or “You never!” accusations. No name-calling or threats. Keep your tone calm and curious. You might say, “I felt surprised and hurt when you didn’t invite me to your party. Is there something I’ve done to upset you?” She may or may not tell you. If she does give a reason, try to respond in a caring way.
You can’t control what your friend does. You can only control what you do.
Not getting invited to your friend’s party hurts, but that moment has passed, and we can’t change it. The important question is, what are you going to do next? Is not being invited a friendship-ender for you, or is it worth trying to move past that rough spot to repair the friendship?
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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