Hi,
It’s all too easy to slide into righteous indignation. The outrage and superiority we feel when we think or declare, “They’re bad! They shouldn’t have done that!” is seductive. Righteous indignation can evoke delicious fantasies of taking them down or calling them out. We want them and everyone else to know how wrong they are!
But then what happens? Righteous indignation may feel satisfying, but it doesn’t offer a path forward in our relationships.
In this week’s episode of the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, Alma wants to know what to do about a friend who broke her promise. That’s wrong! It’s disappointing and hurtful when a friend lets us down. But what are some reasons why this might have happened, and how can Alma respond?
This is EPISODE 90 of the podcast!!! I want to do something special for Episode 100. Do you have any ideas about what I should do on the podcast to celebrate?
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 5 - Edith, Age 8: Friend doesn't do what I want
Ep. 10 - Isaac, Age 7.5: Friend is disrespectful
Ep. 83 - Eloise, Age 8: Fights with close friends
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Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
What are some reasons why friends might not do what they said they’d do?
Can you think of a time when a friend broke a promise to you or a friend thought you broke a promise? What happened? How did it affect your friendship?
What does it mean to “assume good intentions”? Why is that helpful in a friendship?
Dr. Friendtastic asked Alma, “What do you want to happen next?” Why is this an important question when there’s a conflict between friends? (Hint: How could this question guide what you do next?)
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
Let’s hear today’s question:
Hi, Dr. Friendtastic! I'm seven. My name is Alma, and I'm 7-years old. And my question is what to do with someone breaks a promise. Bye!
Hi, Alma! Thanks for sending in your question!
So, it sounds like you believe a friend promised to do something and then she didn’t. Depending on how important the promise was, you might be feeling disappointed, annoyed, frustrated, hurt, or even betrayed!
You might also be wondering what this broken promise means for your friendship. Is this friend someone you can count on or not?
Let’s first take a step back and think about why someone might not do what they said they’d do.
Now, maybe your friend was trying to trick you on purpose by telling you she would do something while knowing that she would never do it! I guess that’s possible, but it doesn’t seem likely! What would she get out of tricking you like that? How would it help her? I just don’t see it.
Another possibility is maybe something happened that made it difficult or impossible for her to keep the promise. Maybe her mom said she couldn’t do it because she had to go to the dentist, or a teacher told her she had to finish some classwork, or another friend needed her urgently for something… There are a million reasons why she could have intended to keep the promise but life somehow got in the way.
If this is the case, then it’s not really a broken promise, it’s just a change in plans. So, remind yourself that she had good intentions–she meant to do whatever it was–and accept that sometimes plans have to change.
Still another possibility is that she agreed to the promise only reluctantly. In other words, maybe she felt pressured to say yes to you, but she really didn’t want to. Maybe she was afraid you would get mad if she said no, so she said yes to avoid a conflict, but then she just didn’t do it,
I’m sure you would have preferred a thoughtful “no” from your friend because that’s more honest than saying “yes” but not following through. But If you think this was a reluctant-yes situation, then it might be worth looking at how you communicate with your friend. Do you make it easy for her to say no when she wants to? Do you accept what she says she wants or doesn’t want to do? We all like things to go our way, but part of being a good friend is respecting the other person’s feelings and wishes, even when they’re different from ours.
Finally, the broken promise might really be just a misunderstanding. Maybe you thought she was promising that she’d do something, but she thought the two of you hadn’t made firm plans, and maybe she even forgot about it. If that’s the case, the answer is clearer communication. If you have important plans together you could both be sure to write them down or remind each other beforehand, to confirm the plans.
When we think of all the reasons why your friend might not have done what she said she would do, it’s clear that most of them are understandable and not a reason to end a friendship.
Of course you’re disappointed that she didn’t follow through, but what do you want to happen next?
You could accuse your friend of being a liar and breaking her promise on purpose! How do you think she’d respond if you did that? Probably not well!
Because she’s your friend, You’re better off assuming that she’s a good person with good intentions. She probably wasn’t trying to hurt you or do anything bad to you. When you assume good intentions, then you can think about what happened or talk it through with your friend and make plans to prevent it in the future.
Most people mean well but we all mess up sometimes. I bet you can think of times you’ve fallen short, for whatever reason, of what you hoped to do. That’s called being human.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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