When your child... sticks with a mean friend
Parent Q&A
Hi,
Am I the only one having a little trouble shifting from the holidays to the regular routine? I’m doing what needs doing but feeling the juggle.
This week I’m sharing a response to a parent question. (See below.)
If YOU have a question you’d like me to answer about children’s feelings and friendships, you can 1) submit it anonymously HERE or 2) put it in the comments. Unfortunately, I can’t answer questions privately for individuals.
If YOUR KID has a question, you can submit it as an audio recording for the podcast at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit.
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
Q: I wonder why some kids, who are rejected by their peers, still continue being next to the mean kids who don't like or want them around. If someone is mean to you, naturally you should stay away. But why are some kids attracted to the ones who reject them and don't notice other kids who are interested in them and potentially could be their friend or just a good classmate?
Ouch! As a parent, there are few things worse than seeing our kids repeatedly hanging out with someone who is unkind to them. If they’ve been burned before, why in the world do they keep coming back for more of the same?
There are many possible reasons why kids keep pursuing friendship with someone who is mean to them. Here are the main ones I see:
Sometimes kids just don’t get the message that the other kid isn’t interested in being friends with them. This is a horrible situation because the meanness tends to escalate when the other kid tries harder to communicate, “Go away!”
Sometimes kids have little in common with the other child but try to hang out because the other kid is popular. This scenario is especially difficult when their friends like to be with that kid. While some popular kids are also kind and well-liked, some seek to boost their social power by being mean to certain people. Other kids usually say nothing about this meanness because they don’t want to be the popular kid’s next victim.
Sometimes kids stick with a mean “friend” because they believe they don’t have any other options.
Sometimes kids don’t realize that they are doing something off-putting that bothers the other kid. The other kid’s retaliation seems to come out of nowhere. This doesn’t in any way excuse the meanness, but it might make it more understandable or at least predictable.
Most often, the other kid gives mixed messages: sometimes they’re kind and sometimes they’re mean. The roller coaster of hope and betrayal that this creates can be very confusing and upsetting.
So what can you, as a parent, do to help? Here are some possibilities:
Offer comfort first
Especially when kids are dealing with friendship challenges, they need to be able to come home to safety, acceptance, and love. This might mean acknowledging their feelings: “You felt hurt when she did that.” It might also mean just hanging out together, doing something fun, or offering some extra hugs.
Encourage some reflection
As tempting as it might be to tell your kid to dump the mean friend, you’re more likely to get a positive response if you help your child think things through by asking good questions. Try to understand what appeals to your child about this kid and what it’s like to hang out with this friend. Try not to bombard your kid with too many questions at once. Just asking one or two at a time can help your child reflect on the friendship. Here are some possibilities:
What do you like most about this kid?
How do you usually feel when you’re with this kid?
Do you think this is a kind kid? Why or why not?
How often do the two of you argue? What do you tend to argue about? How do you settle your arguments?
What does this kid do to show that they like or care about you?
When you’re upset about something, how does this kid usually respond?
If you imagine that your relationship with this kid is a pie, and you divide the pie into pieces to show how much of the time you spend together is fun and happy, how much is unhappy, and how much is neutral, which would be the biggest piece?
If your child is upset about an interaction with this friend, it might be helpful to ask questions to help your child reflect on the significance of the conflict.
Why do you think your friend did that? What were they trying to do? How do you think they hoped you would respond?
How do you think your friend would describe what happened?
How many times has the friend done this? Why do you think they keep doing it?
Does your friend know this bothers you? How? What have you said about it?
Create opportunities for other friendships
It’s easier for kids to move away from an unkind friendship if they believe they have options. Kids make friends by doing fun things together. Think about what your child likes doing that they could do with other kids. Try to get your child involved in a club or activity where they can meet like-minded peers. This might lead to new friendships.
You may be able to encourage your child to have playdates with other, kinder kids. One-on-one get-togethers can help budding friendships grow.
You could also try hosting a family game night. Invite another family with compatible kids over after dinner (so you don’t have to prepare a meal). Play a game all together, serve fruit and dessert, then let the kids play while you chat with the other parents.
Spending time with kids who treat your child well can make the mean friend seem less appealing by contrast.
Accept that wisdom is usually hard-earned
As much as we might wish we could spare our kids pain and suffering, sometimes, they have to figure things out for themselves.
Learning how to build strong and caring friendships takes a lot of time and practice. Mistakes and missteps are inevitable. Often we need to experience relationships that don’t work in order to appreciate those that do. Luckily, your kid has you to come home to when there’s a friendship rough spot.
Related resources:
Article: When Your Child… Was Bullied and You’re Still Anxious
Article: When Your Child… Gets Teased by a Friend
2-min. video: When your child is upset and needs your empathy