"Whose fault is it?" is NOT a useful question
Podcast Parent Note, Ep. 79
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"Whose fault is it?" is NOT a useful question
In this week’s Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast episode, Mar asked about how to recognize fake friends.
Here’s the link to the podcast episode, in case you missed it:
I also got a comment from someone about an earlier episode in which a kid named Tyler asked what to do when his friend’s parents don’t like him. This question is complicated because parents are the gatekeepers for children’s friendships, which is probably why Tyler wanted to figure out how to get along better with his friend’s parents. The commenter didn’t like that I focused on what the kid could do and not the fact that parents can sometimes act like jerks.
Long-time readers/listeners probably know that I usually focus on what the kid can do rather than what’s wrong with the other person. My intention is not to put all the responsibility on the kid with the question or blame that kid for the problem. My intention is to empower kids.
We can’t control what other people think or do. Focusing on how terrible the other person is or who is (most) at fault is a dead end. “They’re bad!” is not a useful message.
What we can control is how we think about the situation, what we say or do, and whether we want to be in certain relationships. So, that’s what I focus on in the podcast.
Kids who are dealing with a friendship rough spot need empathy. These situations can be upsetting and confusing, so I almost always start by acknowledging the kid’s feelings.
Kids also want to hear options for what they could do that might improve the situation. There are no guarantees about how the other person will respond, but they are not helpless!
Trying to imagine the other person’s perspective, communicate clearly about what they want, and move forward in kind ways are all worth trying if kids want to continue or improve a relationship. If those strategies don’t work, well, at least they know they tried.
Another issue that comes up regularly on the podcast is whether a friendship is worth continuing. This is a very personal choice. I often encourage kids to consider how they usually feel when they’re with a certain friend.
Everyone makes mistakes, so it doesn’t make sense to dump a friend every time they mess up. But we also don’t want our kids to be doormats or to settle for unkind friends. We want our kids to be able to speak up in ways that they’re likely to be heard or to step away when needed.
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Paid subscribers have links to related resources below.
P.P.S. Please let me know what you think!