How can you recognize fake friend? That’s what Mar wonders in this week’s podcast episode. No one likes to feel tricked or deceived, but there are many other reasons why a friend might not do what we want. If we’ve been burned in the past, it’s easy to fall into doubting friends’ sincerity. But strong, caring friendships require that we have faith in our friends’ good intentions when (not if) they mess up.
Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 24 - Olivia, Age 13: Some friendships have limits
Ep. 26 - Sam, Age 13: Joining a new group of friends
Ep. 34 - Chloe, Age 9: Upset by name-calling
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Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
How would you define “being fake”? Why do you think kids sometimes act in ways that don’t match what they really think or feel?
Why do kids sometimes act differently in different situations or with different people? Why is this NOT the same as being fake?
Dr. Friendtastic says, “Every friendship, if it lasts long enough, is going to hit a rough spot.” What do you think are some good ways to move past a friendship rough spot?
Have you ever had an unreliable friend–someone you felt you couldn’t count on? How did you handle this?
What does it mean to trust a friend? Can you trust a friend who makes a mistake and says or does something unkind? Why or why not?
Transcript
Hi, there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Mar. I'm 11 years old. My question is, how can you tell if your friend is a fake friend?
Hi, Mar, this is such an interesting question! My guess is that you’ve been hurt by someone you thought was a close friend who ended up disappointing you, so now you think maybe they were a fake friend.
But what do we mean by “fake”?
“Fake” means not real. With people, it means pretending in order to trick someone. Unless there’s something obvious that they would gain from pretending to be your friend, like maybe an invitation to a party or help with their math homework, I don’t think it’s common for people to try to trick you into thinking they like you when they really don’t.
Sometimes kids think people are being “fake” if they act differently in different situations or with different people. But that’s not necessarily being fake. I’m sure you act differently with your close friends than you do with strangers, or with adults versus kids, or in a formal situation versus an informal situation. You’re not pretending or trying to trick anyone; you’re just responding to fit the situation!
Sometimes kids think someone is being fake if they’re kind one-on-one but, when they get around other people, they act less kind. Maybe they like those other people better than you! Does that mean the one-on-one kindness was fake? It’s possible, but I think it’s more likely this is an unreliable friend. Unreliable means you can’t count on them.
With an unreliable friend, you can enjoy their company in the situations where they’re friendly, if you want, but maybe stay away from them or don’t expect much from them in the situations where they’re not so friendly. In other words, you can have a limited friendship with an unreliable friend, if that seems worth it to you, but you’re probably not going to get much more than that, unless you end up becoming closer. It’s up to you to decide whether an unreliable friend is worth hanging out with sometimes, or if you’d rather be around people who are reliably kind to you.
Sometimes friendships shift or end. People grow apart or get mad at each other or want something else. That doesn’t mean the old liking was fake. It just didn’t last.
There’s another possibility, which is that this is a good friend who made a mistake–maybe even a bad mistake that hurt your feelings.
Every friendship involves trust. You trust the other person to care about you and be kind to you, and you try to do the same for them.
And, every friendship, if it lasts long enough, is going to hit a rough spot. We’re all human, so at some point, your friend is going to say or do something you don’t like–something thoughtless, or insensitive, or hurtful. When that happens, you might feel disappointed, misunderstood, furious, or even betrayed!
But messing up doesn’t mean the friendship was fake. It means your friend is human!
When–not if–a friend messes up, you have to ask yourself a question: Do you trust your friend’s good intentions enough that you’re willing to talk things out, explain your perspective, listen to your friend’s point of view, and make changes or apologize or forgive and move past that friendship rough spot?
Thinking about how you want to move forward is more helpful than guessing about whether your friend was trying to be fake.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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