Adeline wishes her friends would invite her to play during recess, but she doesn’t have to wait for an invitation.
If you haven’t already, please watch and share my TEDx talk:
Is It Bullying or Ordinary Meanness? It was chosen as an “Editor’s Pick” by TED central!
Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 60 - Henry, Age 8: Friends invited but not him
Ep. 39 - Maya, Age 8: Replaced by a friend's new friend
Ep. 26 - Abigail, Age 10: Friendship doesn't have to be all or nothing
Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why do you think going off in a corner and looking sad is not a good strategy for making and keeping friends? (Hint: what message does it send to other kids if you do that all the time?) What could you do instead?
Everybody has painful feelings sometimes. What are some helpful ways to cope with those feelings?
What is one situation where you could try the “watch-then-blend” strategy for joining a group at play? What could you do to blend?
Have you ever had someone tell you that you couldn’t play? What happened? How did you handle it? Why do you think kids sometimes say that?
Dr. Friendtastic says, “You have to join before you can lead.” What does that mean?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
Hi, I’m 8 years old, and my name is Adeline. I want to know how to handle when your friends don't invite you to play at recess.
Hi, Adeline! Thanks for sending in your question. It hurts to feel left out! But are you really being left out?
At recess–or any open-ended playtime–you don’t have to wait to be invited!
You can approach friends instead of expecting them to come to you and directly ask you to play with them.
I worked with a young girl once who told me, “I know how to make friends!”
I said, “Oh. What do you do?”
She said, “I go off in the corner and look very sad, and wait for kids come over to see what’s wrong.”
Hmmm… I’m sure you know that’s not a good strategy! In general, kids want to be around kids who are happy and having fun. Of course we can confide in close friends when we’re having painful feelings, but standing apart and sulking isn’t a good way to make friends or connect with people we don’t know well. It certainly doesn’t add to the fun!
So, how could you approach your friends? Scientists have found that there’s a specific way that kids join a group at play, and that is: Watch then blend. So, watch what the other kids are doing, then slide into the action without interrupting.
If everyone is playing tag, you could watch to see who’s it and what the boundaries are and then just join in.
If they’re playing a game with turns, watch to see what’s going on then stand in line and wait your turn.
If they’re playing a sport, watch to see which team is losing. If there aren’t too many players, you may be able to join that team.
If it’s a more open-ended game, you could approach by giving someone a sincere compliment or bringing something that could help the game. Be careful not to try to take over or change things right away. You might have some great ideas, but you have to join before you can lead. Watch then blend.
The fact that you’re wanting your friends to invite you might mean that you’re not sure you’re welcome to join them. It’s possible that your friends are deliberately excluding you, but you say they’re your friends, so my guess is that they’re just thinking about whatever they’re playing. In that case, the best way to join them is for you also to focus on what they’re playing, and try to add to the fun.
Now, what if you try to join and someone says, “Go away. You can’t play”? That’s unkind, but it happens.
How you respond depends on your relationship with the people playing the game. You might want to be gently assertive and say in an amused tone, “That’s silly. Of course I can play! It’s recess!” Or you could calmly announce, loudly enough that others can hear, “That was a mean thing to say!” Then walk away.
If you decide to leave, be sure to find another group that’s having fun and watch then blend to join them! Don’t wait for an invitation; go out and find your fun! You might even want to look for someone who doesn’t seem to be doing much and invite them to join you!
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
Adeline, Age 8: Friends don’t invite her