Diego, Age 11: Trouble making friends

Diego wants to know what he can do to make friends.

Scroll down for podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.

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Here are three ways you can support it:

1. Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.

2. Send in your child’s question.

3. Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get free access to an online workshop each month.)

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Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?

Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:

1. their FIRST NAME (or another first name),

2. their AGE, and

3. a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)

Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)

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Think About It Questions to discuss with your child

For a quick and easy friendship lesson, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.

• Think of a time when you had to make new friends. What did you do? How did other kids respond?

• Why does Dr. Friendtastic emphasize trying to make friends with kids who like to do the same things you like to do?

• Why do you think some kids only want to be friends with the most popular kids? What are some possible problems with this approach to friendship?

• What do you think it means to show that you’re open to friendship? What are some ways to do this? What actions would signal that you’re NOT open to friendship?

• Why is it a good thing to invite someone to get together with you, even if they say no, they can’t because they’re busy? (Hint: What message do you give the other kid with your invitation?)

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Transcript

Welcome! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.

Let’s listen to today’s question:

Hi, my name is Diego. I'm 11 years old. I've been having trouble making friends. How can I make friends with other people?

Hi, Diego! I’m so glad you asked this question! You are definitely not alone in feeling like you’re not sure how to make friends. Making friends takes time and effort, but there are things you can do to help build friendships. 

Step one is to figure out who might be potential friends. You know you’re not going to find friends sitting alone in your bedroom, so even though it might feel uncomfortable at first, do what you can to meet other kids, talk with them, and try to get to know them. 

Look for kids who you have a lot in common with and who enjoy doing the same things you enjoy doing. Try to find several kids who seem like they could become friends with you, so you have more than one possibility. 

Sometimes kids just want to be friends with the most popular kids. That’s probably not going to work if you don’t have much in common with them. Also, focusing on popularity in potential friends is “What’s in it for me?!” thinking. Trying to use people to increase your social status isn’t a good basis for a caring friendship.

Step two is to show that you’re open to friendship. Start by saying hi. Smile to show kids you’re happy to see them. Ask interested questions that begin with “What” or “How” to show that you want to know more about them. Give sincere compliments or do small acts of kindness for them, like helping or sharing. All of these actions let other kids know that you think they’re nice and would like to be friends.

Step three is to do fun things together. Maybe you already do an activity together. Maybe you could invite them to be your partner in gym or work on a group project with you. All of those are great friendship-building options, but what could really deepen your friendship is if you invite the potential friend to get together outside of where you already normally see them. Even if the other kid is busy and says no, your invitation is still a good thing because it tells the other kid, “Hey, I like you enough to want to spend extra time with you!” 

You could invite someone to come over after school or on the weekend to do something fun with you. You could invite them to hang out after a sports practice or club meeting. Do what you can to make sure your friend has a good time during the get-together.

Does the idea of inviting someone to do something with you make you nervous? That’s common, but you can do it anyway! Sometimes kids think, “I don’t know them well enough to invite them over!” That’s backwards! You don’t have to know someone super well to invite them over; you get to know kids better by inviting them over. 

Be patient and keep trying! I believe in your ability to make friends!

This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question. 

Do you want to learn even more about friendship? Check out my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends, and my new book, Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.

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The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.