No one likes to feel controlled, so in this week’s podcast, Laina wants to know how to deal with a manipulative friend. But what does that even mean? How can she resist getting pulled into doing something she doesn’t want to do?
Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 65 - Bridget, Age 14: Handling a controlling friend
Ep. 10 - Isaac, Age 7.5: Friend is disrespectful
Ep. 15 - Evie, Age 9: What is a close friend?
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Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Have you ever had a friend who tried to get you to do something you didn’t want to do? What did the friend do? How did you handle it?
What’s the difference between trying to manipulate someone and trying to influence them?
Why is it NOT a good idea to tell someone that they’re a bad person? What could you do instead?
Why is it useful to try to imagine someone else’s perspective, even (or especially) if you’re mad at them?
Dr. Friendtastic says, “Your friend can’t actually MAKE you do anything you don’t want to do.” What does that mean?
Transcript
Welcome! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s hear today’s question!
Hi, my name is Laina. I'm 11 years old, and I was wondering, how can I deal with a manipulative friend?
Hi, Laina! Thanks for sending in your question.
“Manipulative” means trying to control, pressure, or influence others in unkind ways. We all try to influence other people to get what we want, but usually we do it directly and respectfully by asking or explaining.
When someone tries to influence us in sneaky or aggressive ways, then we might feel manipulated and also angry if we end up doing something we didn’t want to do.
How does your friend try to manipulate you? It sounds like you’re feeling controlled, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t tie you up and drag you around. Sometimes people manipulate others through lies and gossip. More often, they just pressure people to go along with what they want.
Most likely your friend asks again and again or insists, “You have to!” She might threaten you directly by saying something like “I won’t be your friend!” or “I’ll tell everyone if you don’t do that!” You might also feel pressured indirectly just from knowing that she has a bad temper, and she’s likely to get mad at you if you don’t do what she wants.
Being the target of these type of pressure tactics can be unpleasant, but your friend can’t actually MAKE you do anything you don’t want to do.
It’s hard when you’re feeling angry, but let’s take a step back and try to imagine things from your friends’ perspective. Why do you think it matters so much to her that you do what she wants? Knowing her why can make it easier for you to figure out how to respond.
One possibility is maybe your friend is pressuring you because she’s a rigid thinker. Sometimes kids–or adults–get stuck thinking there is ONE RIGHT WAY to do something. There’s almost always more than one right way, but when we’re very attached to seeing things one way, it can be hard to imagine other possibilities.
In this case, it might help to ask questions to figure out why her way is important to her. Then explain why you’d like to do it a different way. Maybe she’ll convince you, or you’ll convince her, or you’ll find a compromise, which means doing partly what she wants and partly what you want.
You might want to think about what you’re willing to do as a favor for your friend and what feels like too much. You could say, “I don’t mind doing this, but I’m not willing to do that.”
Or maybe you just need to repeat yourself, until she hears you. You coud say “No. No thanks. No, I don’t want to do that. My answer is still no,” Or at some point, you may want to say, “I’m done discussing this.”
Another possibility is maybe she doesn’t know it bothers you when she acts in controlling ways. She might not even realize that you see her words or actions as manipulative! She might think she’s just being fun or funny or cute and sassy. Now, you’re probably thinking, “She’s definitely NOT being cute and sassy!” But how would she know you have a problem with how she’s acting if you’ve never said anything?
Now be careful not to blast your friend by telling her “You’re a terrible, manipulative person!” That’s not helpful or kind.
Instead, start by acknowledging her point of view and use an “I statement” to tell her about your point of view. You could say, “I get that you really want me to do that because…(whatever you think her reason is). I don’t want to do that because…(whatever your reason is).” Then–this is the most important part–ask for what you’d like her to do moving forward. So you might say, “From now on, please listen when I say no,” or “Please accept that I don’t like everything you like,” or “Please let me help plan the project instead of just telling me what to do.”
Will she listen? I don’t know. But it’s worth a try.
Your friend can’t really control you, and you can’t control her, either. But trying to understand each other and communicating clearly can help you move past friendship rough spots.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
Laina, Age 11: Dealing with a manipulative friend