Hi,
The made-for-TV movie plot goes like this: The bad kids use peer pressure to try to make the good kid lie, cheat, or do drugs, but the heroic good kid stands up for what’s right, thereby chasing off the bad kids or showing them the error of their ways, so they transform into good kids!
Real life is not so black and white.
There’s no question that kids are affected by their peers, but it’s usually influence rather than pressure that persuades them. Friends’ modeling, enthusiasm, laughter, or mockery helps kids figure out what’s cool or not.
I have a silly memory, from when I was about six-years old, of listening earnestly to a friend explaining to me how first-graders blow their nose. (According to her, it involved folding rather than scrunching the tissue.)
Peer influence can be positive, neutral, or negative. On the positive side, it can encourage kids to discover new interests or care about school or other activities. It can also focus on neutral topics such as fashion, music, or nose-blowing techniques. On the negative side, it can influence kids to be mean or do things that get them in trouble.
Of course, we’d like our kids to be assertive enough to stand up for themselves and do what’s right no matter what their friends say or do, but it sure is easier if they choose friends who are a good influence on them.
In this week’s podcast, Paul asks how to find the right friends to surround himself with.
Did you ever face peer pressure when you were growing up? How has your kid been influenced by friends or other kids? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
Eileen
P.S. My first-grade friend’s influence did not last. I’m a scruncher, not a folder.
P.P.S. If you haven’t already, please watch and share my TEDx talk:
Is It Bullying or Ordinary Meanness? It was chosen as an “Editor’s Pick” by TED central!
Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 16 - Sam, Age 13: Joining a new group of friends
Ep. 36 - Ann, Age 9: Dealing with peer pressure
Ep. 43 - Beatrix, Age 8: Friend cut her hair!
Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
What are some ways that you’ve been influenced by your friends? Do you think that influence has been positive (good for you) or negative (bad for you)? Why?
Have you ever been in a situation where a friend tried to pressure you to do something you didn’t want to do? What happened?
What three words would you use to describe the five (or so) friends you spend the most time with? Do you think those three words also describe you? Why or why not?
Dr. Friendtastic said, “However your friends might influence or even pressure you, you’re in charge of deciding what’s the right thing for you to do.” What does that mean?
Transcript
Welcome! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Paul and I'm 12 years old. How [do] I find the right friends here to surround myself with?
Hi, Paul! What a great question! Your question show that you understand that our friends influence us, so it’s important to make wise choices about who we hang out with.
Adults often warn kids about peer pressure. But if someone is pressuring you to do something you don’t want to do, that’s annoying. So,it’s likely to make you even more determined NOT to do whatever that is.
Peer influence is more common and more impactful than peer pressure.
Peer influence has to do with all the subtle and sometimes indirect ways our friends can nudge us about what we do.
For example, because we like our friends, we may want to be like them. So, one way our friends can influence us is leading by example. If they wear a certain brand of sneakers, or have a certain hairstyle, or play a certain sport, we may want to do the same. Doing the same thing our friends do can sometimes make us feel closer to them, and no one likes to feel left out, so copying friends isn’t necessarily a bad thing.
Another way friends influence us is by their approval or disapproval. Because we care about our friends, their opinions matter to us. For instance, if you do something, and your friends say, “That’s cool!”, that could make you want to do it more. On the other hand, if your friends laugh and say, “That’s dorky!” well, that could make you not want to continue doing it.
Peer influence can be positive or negative. Friends might encourage you to study hard or to get in trouble.
So, getting back to your question, how do you find the right friends to surround yourself with…you want to choose friends who make good choices and who encourage you to do good things. You’re likely to meet those kids doing things that matter to you.
It might help to ask yourself some questions:
First, how do you feel when you’re with them. With good friends, you mostly feel comfortable, happy, and supported. If you often feel criticized, or put down, that’s likely not a good group for you to spend time with.
Second, how do the adults who care about you feel about these friends? If your parents, teachers, and other adults have concerns about these friends, it would be a good idea to listen and think about what they’re saying.
Third, do you like who you are when you’re with them? This question has to do with your values, which are your beliefs about what is right or wrong and the things in life you think are most important. For instance, if you value kindness, you wouldn’t want to hang around with a group of kids who tease or bully younger kids, because you might accidentally end up doing that. If you care about honesty, try to be in groups where you can be yourself and feel accepted.
A speaker named Jim Rohn once said, “You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.” He just made up the number 5, and research shows that we’re influenced not only by our friends but also by the friends of our friends, and even the friends of our friend’s friends. But it makes sense to choose to spend time with friends who bring out the best in us.
It’s also important to keep in mind that however your friends might influence or even pressure you, you’re in charge of deciding what’s the right thing for you to do.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
Paul, Age 12: Choosing friends who are a good influence