Hi,
As a kid, I loved the start of school! I still have a weakness for snazzy new stationery items. But I also remember the trepidation, wondering if I would have a friend in my new class. Almost every kid feels this, but it’s most acute for kids who are starting not just a new school year but also at a new school.
My family moved about every 3-5 years when I was growing up, for my Dad’s job. We spent time in Lima, Peru and Madrid, Spain as well as the Chicago area. The hardest move was coming back to the U.S. for high school. I didn’t know popular culture or styles. I even spoke with a bit of an accent. (I still enunciate to an abnormal degree!)
I remember sitting in a group of girls at a neighbor’s house, shortly after we’d moved, and hearing one girl (who later became a friend) suggest, “Let’s turn the lights down and listen to Barry Manilow so we can cry!”
I thought to myself, “Ah, this is what American teens do!”
Fortunately, it wasn’t. The rest of the group was not interested in her suggestion and rejected it with good-natured laughter.
Figuring out the “culture” in a new group isn’t easy. It involves a combination of watching to learn the unwritten rules and also finding out people, the ones we can genuinely connect with.
In this week’s podcast, Nora asks about how to make friends in a new school.
Do you have any memories that stand out for you about starting at a new school? I’d love to hear them!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Paid subscribers now get Podcast Parent Notes that go deeper into the weekly podcast topic as well as a coupon code for $20 off the monthly featured webinar.
Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 63 - Rosie, age 5 3/4: Friend wants all her attention
Ep. 16 - Sam, age 13: Joining a new group of friends
Ep. 44 - Vera, age 8: Change self to make friends?
Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Think of a time when you started a friendship. What happened? Who reached out first, you or the other kid? How did you and your friend show each other that you were open to friendship?
Dr. Friendtastic says, “Friendships take time to grow.” What does that mean? (Hint: Why do you NOT have to worry if you’re not instantly close friends with someone?)
What’s one example of something kind you’ve done for another kid? How did that kid react?
Why is it usually not a good idea to read a book at lunch or recess? (Hint: What message does that send other kids?)
Why is it important to try to learn other kids’ names?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
Hi, my name is Nora. I am 8-years old. I'm going to a new school. My question is, how do I make new friends?
Hi, Nora. Oh, how exciting that you’re starting at a new school! But that can also be a little scary, especially if you don’t know anyone there.
I’m so glad that you’re focusing on making new friends! That will help you feel more comfortable and have more fun at your new school.
One important step to making new friends is to show openness to friendship. That means signaling to people around you that you like them, and you’re interested in getting to know them better.
How could you do that? Well, there are lots of ways!
Start by saying hi and smiling to show you’re happy to see them. Try to learn people’s names so you can make your greetings more personal.
You could also try asking interested questions that begin with What or How to get to know people better and find out what you have in common. Friendships grow out of common ground–those areas where you say, “Me, too!” So focus on connecting rather than impressing.
Doing a small act of kindness, like sharing or helping someone can be the beginning of a friendship.
Try giving a sincere compliment. You could say something like “Nice catch!” or “I like your shirt!” or “Your drawing looks nice!” A compliment is like a small gift. It makes the other person feel good and shows you like something about them and might want to become friends.
Kids make friends by doing fun things together, so think about what you like doing that you could do with other kids. That could involve joining a new club or activity, playing a game together at recess, or chatting at lunch about a favorite book, movie, singer, or sports team.
If you see a kid who’s sitting or standing alone, try inviting them to do something with you. That kid is probably also looking for someone to hang out with! If your school allows it, you may want to bring a card game, art supplies, a frisbee, or something else you could play with another kid.
Or, you could look for four or more kids who are playing a game. A bigger group tends to be easier to join. Watch what the kids are doing then slide into the action without interrupting the game or calling attention to yourself.
So if they’re playing four-square, watch to see the order of the squares and where kids are waiting their turn, then go stand at the end of the line. If they’re playing tag, watch to see who’s it and how far kids are running, then start running around, too. If kids are building something, bring some supplies to help. You don’t have to ask, “Can I play, too?” Just join in without interrupting.
Sometimes kids who feel uncomfortable around other kids they don’t know well will hide by reading a book at lunch or recess. Don’t do that! I love reading, but lunch and recess aren’t good times to read. If you hide behind a book during these social times, that’s like saying to everyone around you, “You’re all boring! I’m not interested in interacting with any of you!” Yikes! That would not be a friendly message!
Friendships take time to grow. So don’t worry if you don’t instantly find a close friend! Just keep showing up in friendly ways. Bit by bit, through kindness and fun, you can build the closeness you want.
One more thing: in addition to showing openness to friendship, be on the lookout for kids who might be showing the same to you! If someone greets you, say hi, back! If someone gives you a compliment or does something kind for you, give them a big smile and say thanks! If they invite you to play, try to say yes!
Just like you’re looking for friends in your new school, my guess is that there’s someone in your new school –and probably more than one someone–who’s hoping to make friends with you! See if you can figure out who they are!
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
Nora, Age 8: Making friends in a new school