(Would you rather read? A TRANSCRIPT is at the bottom of this post.)
Sophie is deciding whether to sit on the bus with her close friend or a new friend.
Scroll down for some discussion questions you can share with your child plus how to submit your child’s question.
Unlock the power of friendship!
Become a free subscriber to get the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic weekly, 5-minute podcast episodes sent directly to your email plus parent resources.
Join now as a paid subscriber to get even more of the tools you need to support your child's feelings and friendships. You’ll get additional posts for parents, access to the full archive, PLUS, each month, you’ll get access to a live or recorded workshop FOR PARENTS about children’s feelings and friendships at NO ADDITIONAL COST for that month. Topics include Helping Your Anxious Child, Kid Confidence, and so much more.
Join as an all-access subscriber and you’ll get access to all posts PLUS you won’t have to wait: you’ll get access to all workshops for parents AND KIDS as soon as they’re available, and they won’t expire at the end of the month. The all-access membership becomes more valuable over time because I keep adding new workshops. You can see all current workshop topics HERE.
Please help the podcast grow!
I can’t do it alone. If you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast, please help it continue and grow by sending in your child’s question about friendship and by asking your friends to submit their children’s questions. Here are the instructions:
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
1) their FIRST NAME (or another name),
2) their AGE, and
3) a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Email the audio file to DrF@EileenKennedyMoore.com. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Warm wishes,
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
Have you ever felt torn between two friends? How did you handle it? What would you do in Sophie’s situation?
Why is it a good idea to have more than one friend?
How does Dr. Friendtastic suggest that you can “soften a no”? Why might you want to do that? (Hink: How might the other person feel?)
Have you ever worried about losing a friend if you spent time apart? What does it mean to “Trust that your friendship is strong enough to handle a bit of time apart”? Why is this important for a friendship?
Go Deeper!
Want to learn more about how you can support your child’s feelings and friendships? My books and webinars–for parents and kids–give you in-depth understanding and practical, research-based ideas you can use immediately.
Transcript
Welcome! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, my name is Sophie, and I am 10 years old. what do you do for if a classmate wants to sit with you on the bus, but you really want to sit with your best friend?
Hi, Sophie! That’s a tricky question! Thanks for sending it in.
On the one hand, you like your close friend a lot, so of course you want to spend as much time with her as possible.
Also, you two might have a routine of sitting together on the bus. You wouldn’t want your close friend to feel dumped because she was counting on sitting with you, but you suddenly sat with someone else.
On the flip side, this other friend is doing something kind: she’s telling you she likes you and wants to spend time with you. I’m sure you don’t want to hurt her feelings by responding to her kindness with rejection.
There’s no one correct answer in this situation. The important thing is to try to be kind and respectful to both friends and to yourself. Communicating clearly can help you do that.
If the bus seats are big enough, it might be a good idea to have the second friend join you and your close friend, so all three of you sit together. That way no one feels left out, but, of course, it wouldn’t be the same as just you and your close friend sitting together. Also, the bus driver might not allow three-to-a-seat.
Another option is to thank the second friend for her kind invitation and then explain to her that you’ve already promised to sit with your close friend (if that’s true).
A good way to soften a no is to tell someone, “I can’t do that, but I CAN do this.” So you could say, “I can’t sit with you on the bus in the morning, but I can sit with you on the afternoon ride” or “I can sit with you at lunch” or “I can get together with you after school.” The “I CAN do this” part shows that you care about the other friend, even if you’re not doing exactly what she wants.
Still another option is to talk with your close friend about sometimes mixing things up and sitting with other kids.
Why would you do that? Why not just stick with your closest friend all the time?
Think about your favorite dinner. Let’s say it’s spaghetti. Let’s say you love eating spaghetti. Why don’t you eat spaghetti for every single meal? Well, as much as you love spaghetti, there are probably other meals you like, too, so you don’t want to limit yourself to only eating spaghetti. Sometimes you’re in the mood for something else.
Eating other foods doesn’t take away from your love of spaghetti. In fact, having other meals lets you not only enjoy those meals but also look forward to having spaghetti again.
It’s the same with friends. Different friends bring different flavors into our lives. And that’s a good thing.
There’s one more layer to this problem: You might have a tiny bit of a fear that if YOU don’t sit with your close friend, someone else will, and maybe you could end up being replaced as a friend. Ouch! That would really hurt!
But just because you can imagine something doesn’t make it real or likely.
How long is your bus ride? My guess is it’s about 10 or 20 minutes. You like sitting with your close friend for that ride, but is the bus ride the only thing that’s propping up your friendship?
Probably not. I bet you and your close friend have a lot in common. and do lots of fun things together, and try to support each other…
Whatever you decide to do on the bus ride is not going to make or break your close friendship. You don’t have to grab onto this friend and hold her tightly to keep her from getting away. Trust that your friendship is strong enough to handle a bit of time apart if that’s what you choose.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
Sophie, Age 10: Balancing a best friend and another friend