Hi,
When I was a little girl, my sister and I used to play checkers with my dad. Before each game, he carefully explained to us that the pieces didn’t really die if they were jumped, and that it was just a game. We would nod earnestly in agreement. We wanted to play checkers with him, but somehow, in the heat of the game, we’d forget our coping resolutions, and the tears would come.
Most kids aren’t reliably able to take winning and losing in stride until about age 9, and plenty struggle after that. Avoiding competitive games is an option, but that cuts kids off from a lot of activities with their peers and reinforces the idea that losing is somehow dangerous.
In this week’s podcast, Alex wants to know how to take losing in stride. I offer some ideas about how to think about losing so it seems more manageable.
In this week’s Podcast Parent Note for paid subscribers, coming out later today, I’ll spell out some ways that you, as a parent, can help your child learn to tolerate competitive games.
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Check out this FREE quiz: Is Your Child a Good Friend?
P.P.S. Paid subscribers now get Podcast Parent Notes that go deeper into the weekly podcast topic as well as a coupon code for $20 off the monthly featured webinar. For September, that’s Dealing with Feelings About Friends – For Kids!
Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 7 – Emma, Age 11: Friend is a poor sport
Ep. 53 – Lillian, Age 11: How to stay calm when someone is bragging
Ep. 66 – Adeline, Age 8: Friends don't invite her
Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Why do you think some kids have trouble handling losing a game? (Hint: How does losing make them think or feel?)
What would you say to comfort a friend who was upset about losing a game
Adults often tell kids, “It’s not whether you win or lose; it’s how you play the game.” What do you think that means?
What are some things kids need to do or not do to be a good sport?
What is your favorite game to play? What do you like about that game?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question:
Hi, I'm Alex, and I'm 10-years old. Hello, Doctor Friendtastic. I want to ask you a question. Sometimes when I lose games I get upset. How can I cope with this better? Thank you so much.
Hi, Alex. I’m so glad you sent in this question! A lot of kids have a hard time dealing with losing a game.
Coping with losing has a lot to do with how you think about it. I have a some ideas that might help.
First, ask yourself, how long does winning or losing last?
The answer is usually: about two seconds. For instance, let’s say you’re playing a game of tennis. After your match, you might walk over to your parents. If you won, they’d say, “Congratulations!” or “Good game!”, and if you lost, they’d say, “Nice try!” and then…you’d go have lunch, or pick up your sister at ballet, or do whatever the next thing is. So, if you lose, you really only have to be brave for a few seconds, and then it’s over. You can move on.
Second, think about why you’re playing the game.
Often, we play games because we want to have fun with a friend. Whether the game takes five minutes or an hour, most of the time, you and your friend are playing together. That’s the point. You may or may not win the game, but you can always win the fun just by having a good time together.
Some games are just a matter of luck, so who wins or loses is a surprise, and that’s part of the fun. Most race-around-the-board games involve luck. Usually, there’s a lot of back-and-forth: one minute you’re ahead, then you get sent back to the start and your friend is ahead, but then something lucky happens and you get ahead…
Imagine if you already knew who was going to win before you started the game. That would make the game very boring. What’s the point of playing if you already know how it ends? So, if it’s a luck game, let yourself enjoy the uncertainty, laugh about the setbacks, and remind yourself that who wins or loses says absolutely nothing about you. It’s just luck. So, you can focus on having fun with your friend.
In other games, the outcome reflects skill. These are usually the more interesting games. The challenge of trying hard and using or trying to improve our skills is what makes these games enjoyable.
For instance, tennis or chess are games of skill. You have to know strategy and respond effectively to what your opponent does. It takes practice and effort to learn the necessary skills. The player who is most skilled and makes the fewest mistakes will win.
Now, you could tell yourself things like, “I will only be happy if I beat everyone I play at chess!” If that’s your goal, well, maybe you should only play with little kids who barely know how to move the chess pieces. You’d win every time!
But would that be satisfying? No, it wouldn’t!
Why not? Because there’s no challenge in beating little kids who know much less than you do! In fact, that would get very boring, very fast. “Hmmm, I beat a four-year old. Hmmm, I beat another four-year old.” So what? That wasn’t challenging or interesting.
If you’re a chess player, or a player of any other skill-based game, you’ll have the most fun when the outcome is uncertain because you and the other player have about the same skill level. Trying your hardest and being uncertain how things will turn out…That’s exciting!
The great thing about skill-based games is that there’s always more to learn! If you win, that’s satisfying, but you’re not going to stop there and say, “I won that game, so now I’m done learning!” If you’re interested in the game, you’ll want to keep learning and test your skills again!
If you lose, that can tell you something about what skills you need to practice or what mistakes you should try to avoid. Great! That’s important feedback!
Whether you win or lose, the outcome of a particular game is not that important because it’s just a dot in time. If you keep going, studying, and practicing, and getting feedback from coaches or judges or by playing more games, your skills are going to improve over time.
Of course you like to win. Everybody does. And it’s disappointing to lose. But I believe you’re strong enough to handle that brief pinch of disappointment when you lose because you can see beyond that moment. It really is just a moment.
If you’re playing a skill-based game, whether it’s with a friend or a kid you don’t know, I recommend showing up with the attitude, “I’m here to learn and have fun! And then I’m going to eat lunch…or do whatever the next thing is.”
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
Alex, Age 10: Upset when he loses a game