Hi,
Kids can be astonishingly cruel to each other. In this week’s podcast, gentle-voiced Anaya wonders what to do when her classmates tell her to wait then run off and leave her behind.
The righteous and protective adult in me wants to ask those kids, “What were you thinking?!?!” or “How would you feel if someone did that to you?!?!” Fair questions, but I wasn’t there. Probably most of the times kids encounter meanness, there’s no adult around.
Mistakes and misunderstandings happen in every relationship. kids need to learn how to speak up, problem-solve, or forgive, in order to move past those unavoidable friendship rough spots. They also need to learn that their feelings matter, and sometimes the wisest option is to refuse to sign up for more mistreatment.
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Check out this FREE quiz: Is Your Child a Good Friend?
P.P.S. Paid subscribers get Podcast Parent Notes (coming later today!) that go deeper into the weekly podcast topic plus a coupon code for $20 off the monthly featured webinar. For October, that’s Emotion Coaching: Help Your Child Cope with Feelings
Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 60 – Henry, Age 8: Friends invited but not him
Ep. 74 – Aubrey, Age 6: Friend hits her
Ep. 69 – Phoebe, Age 6: Friends exclude her
Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
How do you think Ayana felt when the other kids ditched her? Has anything like that ever happened to you? How did you handle it?
Dr. Friendtastic says telling on the kids who ditched her probably won’t be helpful for Ayana. Do you agree? Why or why not? How do you decide when it’s a good idea to tell on someone?
Mistakes and misunderstandings happen in every friendship. How do you decide whether to try to work things out with old friends or look for different friends?
Dr. Friendtastic says, “We can’t control what other people do; we can only control what we do.” What does this mean in Ayana’s case? (Hint: Can she make the other kids want to play with her?)
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s listen to today’s question
Hi, Dr. Friendtastic. My name is Ayana. I am 10-years old. My question is, when I want to play with some classmates, they tell me to stay put and to wait for them, then they run away immediately and play with others leaving me behind. What is the best way to handle this? Thank you
Hi, Ayana, I am so sorry to hear this happened to you! No one likes to be left behind!
What we don’t know is whether your classmates were deliberately trying to trick you, whether they were just fooling around and thought it was funny to leave you behind, or whether they meant to come back to get you and just got distracted and forgot. You might have a sense of which of these is most likely based on how they act toward you at other times.
If they just got distracted, most likely they would apologize sincerely afterward. If you didn’t get an apology, that makes it more likely they were either trying to be mean or they have a mean sense of humor.
I’m wondering why you wanted to play with these kids. Maybe you just liked the game they were playing. Maybe most of the kids in your class were playing with them. Or maybe you were just trying to get to know them better. All of those reasons make sense! Good for you for trying to join a new game with new people! That’s a brave thing to do!
But it’s also important to pay attention to how you feel when you’re with someone. Your feelings matter! I’m guessing you felt hurt, angry, and confused when they left you behind! You probably didn’t know whether you should keep waiting like they told you or give up. Now, you do know what to expect from them.
I want to offer you two important ideas to think about:
The first idea is that the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. That’s a fancy way of saying that if you want to know what someone is going to do next time, think about what they’ve done in the past, because they’re probably going to continue to do that. Those kids ditched you last time, so you should probably assume that they will ditch you next time, if you play with them…unless you have a good reason to believe that something has changed, like maybe they apologized and promised not to do it again, or a teacher has started supervising the game.
The second important idea is that we can’t control what other people do; we can only control what we do.
Telling you to wait then leaving you behind was not kind. Unfortunately, we’re not in charge of those kids. What you do have control over is what you do, who you play with, and how long you’re willing to wait. My vote is that you find kinder kids to play with! And if someone tells you to wait while they go off and have fun without you, either say, “No thanks!” or only wait for just a minute or two. You’re allowed to take care of you and make sure you have fun at recess!
Now, you may have wondered whether you should tell on those kids for being mean. You could, and they might get in trouble, but I don’t think that’s going to get you anywhere. Getting in trouble won’t make them like you more.
This experience was probably upsetting for you, but it also helped you learn something about those kids. Frankly, they don’t seem like a good choice for friendship.
I know for sure that there are other kids who would enjoy playing with you, and who wouldn’t think of ditching you! Why don’t you focus on them?
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
Anaya, Age 10: Friends ditch her