Hi,
Wanting to be included is such a powerful wish! Many of the questions I get for the podcast have to do with feeling left out.
This week, Phoebe feels excluded when her friends hang out without her. That would sting for anyone. But is it a friendship ender?
I offer some questions to ponder in this situation plus some responses that could build closeness.
Let me know what you think!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. If you haven’t already, please watch and share my TEDx talk:
Is It Bullying or Ordinary Meanness? It was chosen as an “Editor’s Pick” by TED central! (They changed the title to Conflict Resolution on the Playground.)
Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 26 - Abigail, Age 10 - Friendship doesn't have to be all or nothing
Ep. 8 - Blake, Age 11: Excluded by friends
Ep. 66 - Adeline, Age 8: Friends don't invite her
Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Adults, please use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Have you ever felt left out? How did you handle it?
Why is it unfair (and unkind) to insist, “I’ll only be your friend if you never do anything without me!”?
Why is it sometimes worth keeping an imperfect friendship with someone who is usually kind and fun?
Dr. Friendtastic said that doing activities together, inviting someone over, or saying, “I’d love to do that with you sometime!” could be good ways to deepen a friendship. What have you done to try to become closer friends with someone?
Why might adding a fourth friend to the group be helpful?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Let’s listen to today’s question:
My name is Phoebe, and I am 6 years old, and my question is I have two friends at school, and they like to hang out without me. How can I feel included when I feel excluded?
Hi, Phoebe. Thanks for your question! This is a very common and painful problem! I think anyone who found out that friends are getting together and having fun without them would feel hurt, left out, and maybe also jealous!
I have some questions for you that might help you figure out how to handle this situation.
The most important question is: How do these friends treat you when you’re together? If they’re usually fun and kind, then they’re good friends. Good friends are precious.
My second question is: If you knew that these friends were NEVER going to invite you to their get-togethers, would you still want to be friends with them?
That’s a very uncomfortable question to think about. Of course you want them to invite you, and maybe they will, but if they don’t, is the friendship you have with them at school still worth keeping?
My guess is your answer to that is yes. You don’t want to be the kind of friend who says, “I’ll only be your friend if you do exactly what I want all the time!” or “I’ll only be your friend if you never do anything without me!” Part of being a good friend is being flexible when things don’t go exactly how we want.
If you decide that the friendship is worth keeping even if nothing changes, then you’re in a good place to explore whether you can become closer with these girls. It means you understand that if you become closer, that’s great, but if you stay at your current level of closeness, you’ll be okay.
So, how could you become closer with these girls? Well, maybe you could join an afterschool club or activity that they like, so you have more in common with them.
Instead of waiting to be invited, maybe you could invite them over to your home. This shows you like them and want to get to know them better outside of school.
Maybe, if they mention something they did together without you, you could say, in a friendly, non-pressuring way, “Wow! That sounds fun! I’d love to do that with you sometime!” They may not realize you’d like to be included!
One thing you don’t want to do is get mad or sulk because they got together without you. I know you don’t like it–who would?–but they did nothing wrong. They’re allowed to decide who they want to invite over. Also, they’re more likely to invite you over if you’re pleasant company.
I have one more suggestion for you: Consider adding a fourth friend to the group. Friendship threesomes can be challenging because one person often feels like the odd one out. Adding a fourth friend adds to the fun and decreases the chances of one kid feeling left out.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
Phoebe, Age 6: Friends get together without her