Dealing with one friend can be complicated. Dealing with two (or more) friends can be exponentially more difficult! In this week’s podcast, Jennifer wants to know what to do when two friends who don’t like each other both ask to be her partner.
There’s no right answer in this situation, but I try to help her think through the pros and cons of different options.
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
P.P.S. For this month of December, ALL subscribers, free and paid, can get $20 off any one of my recorded workshops! Use the coupon code DRF20DEC at checkout. See descriptions of the workshop HERE.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 13 - Mara, age 9: Friend doesn't want her to have other friends
Ep. 17 - Sophie, age 10: Balancing a best friend and another friend
Ep. 47 - Brayden, age 9: Why are friends important?
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Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
A friendship tug-of-war happens when two friends each try to pull a friend in the middle to their side. How do you think the friends on each end feel? (Hint: Why are they pulling?) How do you think the friend in the middle feels?
If you were in Jennifer’s situation, and two friends who didn’t like each other both wanted to partner with you, would you choose to work with one, work with both, or work with neither? Why would you choose that option?
Do you prefer to pick your own partner for school projects or have the teacher assign partners? Why?
What do you think are the qualities of a good work partner? Do you believe that you are a good work partner? Why or why not?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
Here’s today’s question!
Hi, my name is Jennifer. I’m 10 years old, and my question is what to do when two friends don't like to play with each other and both asked to be your partner?
Hi, Jennifer. Thanks for sending in your question! This is a very tricky problem! No matter what you choose to do, one or both of your friends will likely be mad at you.
Keep in mind that even though the question of who is going to be your partner might have a lot of emotions attached to it, it’s not an always-and-forever thing! How long will you have the partner? A day? A week? Two weeks? It doesn’t define your friendships!
So let’s think through each of your options. The first possibility is you could pick one friend to partner with. That might make sense if there’s a logical or practical reason why you should work with one rather than the other. Maybe one friend asked first or maybe one lives closer to you. This option might also make sense if there will be another opportunity to choose partners very soon. For example, if you can pick a new partner every week, it might make sense to pick one friend this week and promise the other friend you’ll work with her next week.
The problem is that the friend you don’t pick will probably feel rejected. She might also feel jealous and resentful toward the friend you did pick, which could make their rivalry even more intense. Spending time with the friend you didn’t choose might help reassure her that you still like her.
A second option is you could say you want to partner with both of them, If your teacher allows groups of three. That way, neither friend would feel rejected. It’s possible that working together would help your friends get to know each other better and start to like each other. But if they don’t get along, it could make the teamwork painful and unproductive. Bringing in a fourth group member might ease some of that tension, but it can be hard to manage a team that big.
A third option is to pick neither of them. You could say you like both of them, and you don’t want to be put in a position where you have to choose between them, so you’re going to work with someone else. This choice might be hard on you because you could end up working with someone you don’t know as well. Both friends might also feel mad at you for not partnering with them, but this might be the simplest option to avoid being pulled in either direction!
A friendship tug-of-war happens when two friends each try to pull a friend in the middle to their side. This game is least fun for the friend in the middle, who can end up thinking both friends care more about winning than they care about her feelings!
At a neutral time, it might be a good idea to talk to each of your friends separately about how their rivalry makes you feel. Use an “I” statement and ask for what you want. For instance, you might say, “I like both of you, and it makes things difficult and complicated for me when you two don’t get along. It would mean a lot to me if you could try to be friendly with her and get to know her better.” After talking with each friend, you might want to invite them both to do something fun together with you and maybe also a fourth friend.
This has been Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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