Hi, How are you holding up with end-of-year hecticness? I’m finally hitting the point where I can shift from work focus to family holiday focus. In the next few days, I’ll be cooking up a storm and also welcoming home my adult children and their sweeties.
One of my favorite things about creating the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast (besides hearing kids’ sweet voices!) is hearing questions that reflect children beginning to articulate and grapple with the major relationship themes we all deal with throughout our lives! In this week’s episode, Nev doesn’t ask about a specific situation. Instead, prompted by a statement from her mom, she ponders the balance between the power of a friendship group and her own personal power. Check it out!
Don’t miss out: For this month of December, ALL subscribers, free and paid, can get $20 off any one of my recorded workshops! Use the coupon code DRF20DEC at checkout. See descriptions of the workshop HERE.
See you in the New Year!
Warm wishes,
Dr. Eileen
P.S. Scroll down for an easy-to-read podcast TRANSCRIPT, DISCUSSION QUESTIONS, and how to submit YOUR CHILD’S QUESTION.
You might also like these podcast episodes:
Ep. 76 - Ayana, age 10: Friends ditch her
Ep. 64 - Blake, age 13: Make friends with different interests
Ep. 48 - Lily, age 6: New friend claims to be best friend
Do you love the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast?
Here are three ways you can support it:
Send in your child’s question!!!
Post a review on the Apple Podcasts app or your favorite podcast platform.
Become a paid subscriber to help keep the podcast free for everyone. (You’ll get $20 off an online workshop each month plus additional posts for parents.)
Would YOUR kid enjoy being featured on the podcast?
Use your smartphone's memo function or an audio app to record your child's question. Hold the phone close to your child's mouth to make sure the recording is clear. Have your child state:
their FIRST NAME (or another first name),
their AGE, and
a BRIEF QUESTION or concern about friendship. (Please do not include any friends' names.)
Submit the audio file at https://DrFriendtastic.com/submit. I’ll answer as many questions as I can. (Obviously, this is not psychotherapy, and it’s not for emergency situations.)
Think About It Questions to discuss with your child
For a quick and easy FRIENDSHIP LESSON, play the podcast up to the end of the kid’s question, then ask your child/students what advice they’d give. Play my answer, then use the discussion questions below to deepen your child’s/students’ understanding.
Would you rather hang out with just one friend or a group of friends? Why?
What are some ways that friend groups might influence you?
Why is it sometimes hard for kids to stand up for what they want in a friendship group? (Hint: What might they be afraid could happen?)
Dr. Friendtastic says that hiding how you feel can be unfair to you and to your friends. How is it unfair to you? How is it unfair to your friends?
Transcript
Hi there! I’m Dr. Eileen Kennedy-Moore, also known as Dr. Friendtastic. I’m an author and clinical psychologist based in Princeton, NJ.
If you have a question about making and keeping friends that you’d like me to answer, go to DrFriendtastic.com, and click on the podcast tab to see how to submit your question.
Here’s today’s question!
Hi, my name is Nev and I'm 11 years old. My question is my mom told me that no friend group has more power than you and I really need to understand what that means.
Hi, Nev! Thanks for sending in your question! I think you have a very wise mom! I also think you’re smart to be listening to and trying to understand your mom’s advice. Now, the easiest way to figure out what your mom means is to ask her! But let’s see if we can figure out together what she wants you to understand.
Your mom talked about the power of a friend group. How do you think a friend group has power? Usually, friends don’t wrestle you to the ground and make you do things! But they can influence you.
Sometimes that influence is indirect, meaning they don’t say anything to try to convince you, but you just kind of pick up on what they think. If everybody in the friend group likes a particular TV show or a certain sweatshirt brand, and you like those friends, well, you might be influenced to like or at least try the things they like. Or if they all dislike something, it might start to seem less good to you, too. The friend group didn’t say, “You must think this way!” but if you’re hanging out with friends who all have a certain opinion, their opinion can rub off on you.
Sometimes friend groups can influence you more directly. They might laugh or tease you about something. To avoid getting teased, you might be tempted to go along with what they want, even if it’s not what you want. Or you might feel you have to hide your opinion.
Friends can also influence you by asking directly or even begging, “Please, please, please, please could you do that? It would be so great if you would!” You might give in and do what they want just because you care about them or maybe because you want them to stop begging! That might be okay sometimes, but if it happens a lot or leads you to do things that feel wrong to you, that’s a problem.
In less healthy friendship groups, kids might try to influence you by getting mad at you or even threatening to exclude you if you don’t go along with what they want. Or you might feel insecure about the friendships and worry that they won’t like you anymore if you don’t do what they want.
OK, so there are lots of ways friendship groups might directly or indirectly influence you. But your mom also talked about your power. What do you think she means by that?
I think she’s talking about your power to make choices that fit your values. You have the power to say, “No thanks” or “I don’t want to do this, but I’d be happy to do that” or “Here’s what I want to do.”
When your mom said, “No friend group has more power than you,” I think she’s encouraging you to be true to yourself. This is good for you, and it’s also important for building strong and caring friendships.
If you’re hiding how you feel or letting yourself be pushed in a direction that doesn’t feel right for you just because you want to be accepted by certain friends, you’re probably going to end up resenting those friends. You’re not being fair to yourself because you’re telling yourself that their opinion matters more than yours. You’re also not being fair to those friends. How are they supposed to know how you feel if you don’t tell them? You owe it to yourself and to your friends to share what you think and feel about topics that matter to you–in a kind way, of course!
There’s one more idea related to your mom’s advice that’s important to consider: You have the power to choose to hang out with friend groups that make you feel accepted and uplifted just as you are! Making wise choices about who you spend time with and who you consider a friend is an important part of your personal power.
I hope you enjoyed this episode of Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic. You can learn even more about friendship through my funny and practical books for kids: Growing Friendships: A Kids’ Guide to Making and Keeping Friends and Growing Feelings: A Kids’ Guide to Dealing with Emotions About Friends and Other Kids. They’re available through your library or wherever you buy books.
The Dr. Friendtastic for Parents newsletter and the Kids Ask Dr. Friendtastic podcast are for educational purposes only. They may or may not be relevant for your particular situation. I trust you to use your judgment about what’s right for your child and your family.
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